“Workaholics” spec

Here’s my “Workaholics” spec script that won the Sitcom Teleplay Spec category at the Austin Film Festival’s 2015 Screenplay Competition.

WORKAHOLICS – Bring Your Kid to Work Day

When a Forbes reporter shows up to write a profile on TelAmeriCorp and its families, the guys rent a kid for the day.


20 Amazing Products “Shark Tank” Doesn’t Want The World To See

One of the first things you learn in inventing school is “Always Be Inventing.” Actually, that was the only thing I learned in inventing school, because right after our instructor told us that, he was killed by the Murdering Chalkboard™ he had just invented.

Luckily, I was in the back of the room, grabbing a cup of coffee and well outside of the Murdering Chalkboard™’s stabbing range.

My classmates weren’t so fortunate, though. Those steak knives cut through them like steak knives through half a metaphor. Within seconds, that Murdering Chalkboard™ was covered in their blood, but not before I had written down the most important lesson of that day: “Always Be Inventing.”

Twenty inventions later, I have 20 amazing products that could change this world. Probably for the better.

The only problem is that my inventing school experience was cut short before I got to learn about patents and getting Los Angeles Angels as investors and stuff.

Someone else saw that problem and invented a solution called “Shark Tank.”

Well, new problem. “Shark Tank” and its cast of investors have ignored every single one of the 20 brilliant inventions I’ve tweeted at them.

Seriously, Barbara Corcoran, how do you ignore “Astronaut Yogurt?” 

Mark Cuban may be a billionaire, but it’s obvious he doesn’t recognize billion dollar ideas like my “J’accuzi” hot tub for district attorneys.

The world needs these products, which is why I’m officially cutting out “Shark Tank” as the middle-man and giving them straight to the people.

“New Girl” spec

Here’s a pretty great “New Girl” spec I wrote.

NEW GIRL – The Perfect Schmidt

A medical study transforms Schmidt. Nick boycotts the imperial system of measurement and makes a bet with Winston. Jess has trouble ghostwriting a children’s book.


Montage of Hall & Oates Writing a Montage Song (“You Make My Dreams”)

Check out this video I co-wrote with Boris Khaykin!

Produced by Teresa Lee, Greg Brainos, and Boris Khaykin
Directed and Edited by Boris Khaykin
Director of Photography: Johnny Sousa
Assistant Camera: Feliks Khaykin

David Carl as Daryl Hall
Erick Hellwig as John Oates
Alex Khurgin as Pizza Guy

The World’s Top Ten Most Terribly Designed Electrical Outlets

10. France

“You put two in me, I’ll put one in you.” Typical French.

9. Great Britain

It looks like someone took a baby Spacecataz, turned it upside down, slapped a mole on it for added humiliation, and tricked it into a game of “here comes the airplane,” except it’s not an airplane, it’s a plug requiring 220 volts. R.I.P., baby Spacecataz.

8. Italy

Hurry up, Monty Hall wants to know which hole you’re picking. For one of the fashion meccas of the civilized world, Italy sure does produce a tacky outlet. And don’t give me that “minimalist” crap, the only thing minimalist about this design is the minimal amount of thought and effort that went into conceptualization.

7. Japan

The only thing worse than fake minimalism is actual redundancy.

6. North America

Also known as the “Silver Age Mickey Mouse Surprise Face.”

5. Denmark

Hey, Denmark, thanks for making your outlet look like a soulless kid with Down’s Syndrome. That’s not going to put a damper on my day or anything.

4. India

This outlet wants to give you the best blowjob of your life, BUT NOT BECAUSE IT OWES YOU ANYTHING.

3. Israel

Really?? This was the best design that God’s chosen people could come up with? Looks like the work of a shitty carpenter. Ok, now it makes sense.

2. Australia

Uhhh, racist much, Australia? What happened, blackface outlets didn’t make the cut? Next time you’re hiring a design firm, make sure it isn’t run by Mickey Rooney.

1. Switzerland

Wow. I mean, fucking WOW. Here’s the situation that I’m imagining behind this design. Switzerland is at a party and they’re mingling in a circle, not talking, just listening, you know, real Swiss-like. Someone mentions that they have a warehouse full of electrical outlets that are the next big thing, but they can’t devote the necessary time to unloading them, but if someone did, they would make a killing. Switzerland jumps at the chance, remembering that luck is when Nazi gold meets opportunity. Well, turns out, these electrical outlets weren’t the next big thing and now every time someone wonders aloud what they should get their dad for Father’s Day or buy their girlfriend for Christmas, Switzerland butts in with a desperate, “Hey, you know what would make a GREAT present?”

The 20 Names of God, by Memory

  1. Jehovah
  2. Elohim
  3. Adonai
  4. Engelbert Humperdinck
  5. Ferrero Rocher
  6. S1mone
  7. Keyser Soze
  8. tigerdirect.com
  9. prince
  10. B1
  11. Mork
  12. The Englishman who went up a hill, but came down a mountain
  13. Papaw
  14. Chumbawamba
  15. Wells Fargo
  16. Richard Dawkins
  17. Mr. Bojangles
  18. Fargo, ND
  19. Microsoft Word
  20. Albert

For sale: Hemingway’s shotgun, used once

What a delicious sample of @gregbrainos tweets

Bigfoot hunting is good work if you can find it.

The listed definition of the word “subtle” should be: “The sound that the letter ‘b’ makes in the word ‘subtle.'”

Trying to trademark the copyright symbol so I can own everything.

The easiest way to make a girl weak in the knees is to just deprive her of milk and all other sources of calcium.

The child from “The Emperor’s New Clothes” is a classic example of snitches not getting stitches.

“Why are the good ones always taken?” — Columbia’s most eligible bachelor and third-best kidnapper

I think something has paralyzed my upper body, but I can’t put my finger on it.

You know what would have been a terrible business decision, but an amazing act? If Warner Bros. had only produced one DVD of ‘Pay It Forward.’

When you live longer than expected, that’s a refund on all the hours you spent figuring out whether a shirt is black or dark blue.

Juan is the loneliest number. Very few Latino anesthesiologists.

Fireplaces built specifically for burning Bibles are a Nietzsche market.

“Yo, girl, lemme give you your phone number.” – Alexander Graham Bell picking up girls in a bar

Climate change: this is why we can’t have ice things.