“Not in MY league”

All of you “not in my league” guys have to stop. Please. I’m begging you, I’m fighting you, I’m tricking you, whatever I have to do to get you to stop.

Because the things that happen to those of you who say “not in my league” would NEVER happen in my league. 

Oooooh, Jalen Nailor isn’t available in your league? Bitch, Jalen Nailor went at the 1/2 turn in my league.

Welcome to the real big leagues, pal. I haven’t seen you this shook since you were asked to explain survivorship bias on a sit/start livestream.

I heard that everyone in your league drafts receivers based on first downs per route run, because it’s more predictive than yards per route run. Of course you do, you’re first-year Fantasy Points subscribers. This is going to seem like a completely random and befuddling question, but do you like apples? Because everyone in my league drafts receivers based on a model created by Nobel Prize winner Jurgen Vilkner, a Swiss mathematician-turned-watchmaker whose work on points per kinetic movement will one day change the way we approach fantasy football, and he also likes apples, so that’s one thing that you guys would have in common, actually.

Let me guess — your league holds a backyard Olympics to determine draft order? How quaint! In my league, we get naked and wrestle each other, Greggo Roman style. And then we hold a backyard Olympics to determine draft order.

Wow, the people in your league are experts at scooping up ADP value? You’re gonna have to give me a refresher on what ADP means, because my league hasn’t used that since before Brett Favre did that really bad thing (no, the other really bad thing). 

In fact, we don’t even have the players’ names in our drafts — in order to take someone, you have to list the colleges he played at, his Yards Over Expected from each season, and which page(s) of Dane Brugler’s “The Beast” he appeared on. If you get any detail incorrect, you must draft whichever available receiver comps closest to Arrelious Benn.

I do have to admit that the video you have on your Instagram where the last-place person in your league had to eat a bunch of pancakes at Waffle House is very funny. Sorry, did I say “funny?” I meant, “completely unoriginal, you pig dick-having NPC.”

You want to talk real creativity? Real ball-busting? Ninety percent of the headlines you’ve read since 1964 are a result of my league’s last-place punishments. Adrien Brody’s patois accent on “Saturday Night Live,” shoes being thrown at George W. Bush, and the breaking up of the Beatles are just a few examples (Yoko forgot to set her lineup the final week of the season, and the rest is history). 

By the way, there are 11 last-place punishments in my league, because if you’re not first, you’re last. So Charlie Brown walk yourself back to your little baby league, and the next time you get the urge to say “not in my league,” just pull your bottom lip over your head and swallow.

“Workaholics” spec

Here’s my “Workaholics” spec script that won the Sitcom Teleplay Spec category at the Austin Film Festival’s 2015 Screenplay Competition.

WORKAHOLICS – Bring Your Kid to Work Day

When a Forbes reporter shows up to write a profile on TelAmeriCorp and its families, the guys rent a kid for the day.

20 Amazing Products “Shark Tank” Doesn’t Want The World To See

One of the first things you learn in inventing school is “Always Be Inventing.” Actually, that was the only thing I learned in inventing school, because right after our instructor told us that, he was killed by the Murdering Chalkboard™ he had just invented.

Luckily, I was in the back of the room, grabbing a cup of coffee and well outside of the Murdering Chalkboard™’s stabbing range.

My classmates weren’t so fortunate, though. Those steak knives cut through them like steak knives through half a metaphor. Within seconds, that Murdering Chalkboard™ was covered in their blood, but not before I had written down the most important lesson of that day: “Always Be Inventing.”

Twenty inventions later, I have 20 amazing products that could change this world. Probably for the better.

The only problem is that my inventing school experience was cut short before I got to learn about patents and getting Los Angeles Angels as investors and stuff.

Someone else saw that problem and invented a solution called “Shark Tank.”

Well, new problem. “Shark Tank” and its cast of investors have ignored every single one of the 20 brilliant inventions I’ve tweeted at them.

Seriously, Barbara Corcoran, how do you ignore “Astronaut Yogurt?” 

Mark Cuban may be a billionaire, but it’s obvious he doesn’t recognize billion dollar ideas like my “J’accuzi” hot tub for district attorneys.

The world needs these products, which is why I’m officially cutting out “Shark Tank” as the middle-man and giving them straight to the people.

1. Vlade Divac body pillow aka "Vlade Pillow" (cc: @ABCSharkTank @mcuban @bgoodvlade @DavidHasselhoff)

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) July 2, 2013

2. .@ABCSharkTank a shirt thats made of club soda so it will never get dirty

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) July 7, 2013

3. .@ABCSharkTank silverware that beeps 12 hours b4 u die so u can get things in order

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) July 7, 2013

4. .@ABCSharkTank a motel for dogs (less overhead than a hotel, just makes sense)

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) July 7, 2013

5. .@ABCSharkTank a safe that no one can ever crack or open, even if u have the correct passcode

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) July 7, 2013

6. hi shark tank this is a cat shit box made from a mountain dew 12pack that's literally a liter ally litter alley sorry i will show myself out

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) September 17, 2013

7. .@ABCSharkTank a pack of gum that's full but looks like it only has one piece in it so u don't have 2 share with ur friends (cc: @mcuban)

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) September 28, 2013

8. .@ABCSharkTank a strong rope that's made of chains so basically just a chain but we call it a chain rope (cc: @BarbaraCorcoran)

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) September 28, 2013

9. .@ABCSharkTank condom-shaped mints called "condom mints" that cum in ketchup and mustard flavors (cc: @kevinolearytv) #sharktank

   — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) September 28, 2013

10. .@mcuban a hot tub 4 district attorneys called a "j'accuzi" there is a small one 4 cortrooms 2 mix biz + plezr. also has tie rack #sharktank

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) October 19, 2013

11. .@BarbaraCorcoran astronaut yogurt #sharktank

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) October 19, 2013

12. .@kevinolearytv a pen that can do ur homework, all u hav 2 do is type what u want it to write, download to usb, then uplode 2 pen #sharktank

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) October 19, 2013

13. .@mcuban i am seeking $300k for 10% stake in my chain of mexican chop shops called "jesus, take the wheel" #sharktank

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) November 8, 2013

14. .@LoriGreiner either a food-processing word processor or a word-processing food processor. make offer & we will work it out later #sharktank

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) November 9, 2013

15. hi sharks tank if u love george orwell and yogurt then ur gonna love "danimal farm" #sharktank #19ATEY4

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) November 12, 2013

16. .@kevinolearytv an app that alerts u when shawshank redemption is on tv or if tim robbins is lunchin in ur neighborhood #SharkTank #ShawTank

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) November 22, 2013

17. .@mcuban a lil robot thats a personal stylist and he just says no every time u put on a tank top lol every1 gunna buy it #SharkTank

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) November 22, 2013

18. .@mcuban a double-pronged tampon shaped like quote marks "keep your period inside the quotation marks" & call em "grammar blotzis"#SharkTank

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) January 10, 2014

19. .@mcuban looking for $40k for 10% of my company,"HIS AND HIRSUTES" – blue and pink formalwear made out of real human hair #SharkTank #Classy

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) May 12, 2014

20. .@mcuban need $1m for 25% of my catering company that only caters to law firms. called, "BILLABLE HORS D'OEUVRE" #SharkTank #PassTheLemonBar

    — Greg Brainos (@gregbrainos) May 12, 2014

“New Girl” spec

Here’s a pretty great “New Girl” spec I wrote.

NEW GIRL – The Perfect Schmidt

A medical study transforms Schmidt. Nick boycotts the imperial system of measurement and makes a bet with Winston. Jess has trouble ghostwriting a children’s book.

Montage of Hall & Oates Writing a Montage Song (“You Make My Dreams”)

Check out this video I co-wrote with Boris Khaykin!

Produced by Teresa Lee, Greg Brainos, and Boris Khaykin
Directed and Edited by Boris Khaykin
Director of Photography: Johnny Sousa
Assistant Camera: Feliks Khaykin

David Carl as Daryl Hall
Erick Hellwig as John Oates
Alex Khurgin as Pizza Guy

The 20 Names of God, by Memory

1. Jehovah
2. Elohim
3. Adonai
4. Engelbert Humperdinck
5. Ferrero Rocher
6. S1mone
7. Keyser Soze
8. tigerdirect.com
9. 
10. B1
11. Mork
12. The Englishman who went up a hill, but came down a mountain
13. Papaw
14. Chumbawamba
15. Wells Fargo
16. Richard Dawkins
17. Mr. Bojangles
18. Fargo, ND
19. Microsoft Word
20. Albert

For sale: Hemingway’s shotgun, used once

What a delicious sample of @gregbrainos tweets

Bigfoot hunting is good work if you can find it.

The listed definition of the word “subtle” should be: “The sound that the letter ‘b’ makes in the word ‘subtle.'”

Trying to trademark the copyright symbol so I can own everything.

The easiest way to make a girl weak in the knees is to just deprive her of milk and all other sources of calcium.

The child from “The Emperor’s New Clothes” is a classic example of snitches not getting stitches.

“Why are the good ones always taken?” — Columbia’s most eligible bachelor and third-best kidnapper

I think something has paralyzed my upper body, but I can’t put my finger on it.

You know what would have been a terrible business decision, but an amazing act? If Warner Bros. had only produced one DVD of ‘Pay It Forward.’

When you live longer than expected, that’s a refund on all the hours you spent figuring out whether a shirt is black or dark blue.

Juan is the loneliest number. Very few Latino anesthesiologists.

Fireplaces built specifically for burning Bibles are a Nietzsche market.

“Yo, girl, lemme give you your phone number.” – Alexander Graham Bell picking up girls in a bar

Climate change: this is why we can’t have ice things.

Video script I wrote for the Onion News Network

Here’s a short video segment I wrote for ONN a few years ago….

Rachael Ray Endorsement Proves Frighteningly Important

CUT TO: ONN ANCHOR sitting at news desk.

ANCHOR
Television cooking queen Rachael Ray announced on her show yesterday her public endorsement of Republican nominee John McCain, who enjoyed an immediate 30-point jump in the polls as a result.  Here to talk about the biggest swing in the history of American politics is our own political correspondent, Jeffrey Greenberg.

CUT TO: Jeffrey Greenburg, sitting and dressed in a suit and tie.

JEFFREY
Hi, Jean Anne.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Jeffrey, WHAT happened?  Did a housewife just fix the presidential election?

CUT TO: Jeffrey.

JEFFREY
That’s certainly possible, Jean Anne.  Yesterday’s endorsement was very cunning, as Rachael Ray included the endorsement as a step in one of her recipes.

Jeffrey picks up a sheet of paper and reads from it.

JEFFREY
Step 3: Add egg yolks.  Step 4: Add chocolate.  Step 5: Vote for John McCain.  Step 6: Sift flour.

Jeffrey puts down the sheet up paper

JEFFREY
Now, anyone that wants to make delicious German Chocolate Cake cannot do so without voting for John McCain.  It seems like the way to America’s vote is through its stomach.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Well, what about Julia Childs’ endorsement of Walter Mondale in 1984?

CUT TO: Jeffrey.

JEFFREY
Julia Childs couldn’t make meals in less than 30 minutes.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Many Democrats are outraged that all of the undecided’s, and even a few of their own party members, were swayed by Rachel Ray and there is even talk of a lawsuit being filed that would stop her from promoting any political candidates.  What do you say to that?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.

JEFFREY
I’d say that they need to try these Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.

GRAPHIC UP: Chicken Cigars
1 1/2 lbs ground chicken
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons paprika
2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons grill seasoning (recommended Montreal Seasoning by McCormick)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves (a handful)
8 sheets phyllo dough
1/2 cup butter, melted

JEFFREY
30 MINUTES, Jean Anne.  30 MINUTES!!

GRAPHIC UP: Sweet and Sour Dipping Sauce
2 tablespoons sweet plum sauce or Chinese duck sauce
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1/4 cup light oil (such as peanut, canola, or vegetable oil)
kosher salt
fresh ground black pepper, to taste
1/2 cup finely diced mango (optional)
1 scallion, green tops only, thinly sliced on the bias

CUT TO: Anchor, who pauses briefly.

ANCHOR
Mexico issued a statement today, openly mocking the “downward spiral of American politics.”  Don’t you think we might have a problem when MEXICO is critiquing our election process?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating a Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadilla and is now adorned in McCain ‘08 buttons.

JEFFREY
Mexico is just mad that they can’t make Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas like THIS.

GRAPHIC UP: Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas
1 (12 ounce) package soy chorizo, or (I used Frieda’s brand)
1/2 lb chorizo sausage, sliced thin on an angle
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
1 garlic clove, crushed
12 large shrimp, peeled and deveined, tails removed
salt & freshly ground black pepper
4 (12 inch)  flour tortillas
2 cups monterey jack pepper cheese, shredded

JEFFREY
Seriously, how do you let someone take something from you that you’re famous for, and then let them do it better?  That would be like if America watched Holland win the World Series.  Absolutely shameful.

GRAPHIC UP: Directions
1. Heat a 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium high heat.
2. Brown chorizo 2 to 3 minutes, then remove from pan. The soyrizo takes much less time to heat through.
3. Add oil, garlic, then shrimp.
4. Season shrimp with salt and pepper and cook shrimp until pink, 2 or 3 minutes.
5. Transfer shrimp to a cutting board and coarsely chop.
6. Spray pan with non stick cooking spray and add a large tortilla.
7. Cook tortilla 30 seconds, then turn.
8. Cover 1/2 of the tortilla with a couple of handfuls of cheese.
9. Arrange a layer of soyrizo and shrimp over the cheese and fold tortilla over.
10. Press down gently with a spatula and cook tortilla a minute or so on each side to melt cheese and crisp.
11. Remove quesadilla to large cutting board and repeat with remaining ingredients.
12. Cut each quesadilla into 5 wedges and transfer to plates with your spatula.
13. Top wedges of quesadillas with guacamole, sour cream or salsa.

ANCHOR
Jeffrey, what does this say about the state of politics in our country, when the Commander-in-Chief is elected by someone whose only experience in foreign policy is making Crème De Menthe Parfaits?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is now covered with McCain buttons, wearing an Uncle Sam top hot and big patriotic sunglasses, and waving a McCain flag while sloppily eating a Crème De Menthe Parfait.

JEFFREY
Mmmmmm, GOD, that is good.

GRAPHIC UP: Crème De Menthe Parfait
1 pint softened French vanilla ice cream, 1 pint per 4 servings
fresh mint leaves, to garnish
raspberry, to garnish
fresh edible flower, to garnish

Jeffrey tilts his head back and throws down on the rest of the Crème De Menthe Parfait, covering his face in runny vanilla ice cream.  He returns his gaze to the camera without wiping any of it off.

JEFFREY
Listen, Jean Anne, you can skip step number five if you want to, but you’re not going to make the perfect German Chocolate Cake that way.

Jeffrey pauses and then licks his lips.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Coming up next, a computer virus containing nude pictures of Diane Keaton crashes tens of computers.

Future Bleak

Past perfect tense is an illusion created by our own romanticism. Having had rewritten what actually transpired, we can now bathe in the glory of nostalgia.

Future perfect is an even bigger lie. We don’t know what the fuck is going to happen in the future. Sure, we will have had our past experiences to inform our decisions, but most of the situations we try to navigate are out of our control, anyway.

Who can save us from this language of lies? I can. I will. I can have will done it right now.  See, I created a new grammatical compound tense that’s honest. It’s called, “future bleak,” and it’s going to revolutionize the way we communicate. Future bleak strips away all the candy-coating and hand-holding that only serves to leave us unprepared. It lets you know that a storm is coming, so get your fucking shit together.

Here are some examples of how to compose a sentence employing future bleak:

North Korea willz’ve launched their third nuclear missile by noon.

We willz’ve lost all our money at the craps table before we make it to the blackjack table.

Willow Smith willz’ve lived her entire life carrying the genes responsible for “Nod Ya Head” and Wild Wild West.

“Why did you contract ‘have’ like that, Greg?” you may ask, with a smudge of mustard on your chin. “Because in the bleak future of future bleak, there is no ‘have’ to be had, that’s why it’s so bleak. Also, no, not that chin, your other chin, ahhhhahahahahaha.”

I truly believe that if you just try it a few times, you’ll grow to like using future bleak. Unless you’re German, in which case, good luck with “willz’ve!”

David Stern as Bible Characters

 

David Stern as King Solomon

Woman 1: King Solomon, this woman is trying to take my baby!

Woman 2: It’s MY baby!

David Stern: Well, I’ll just cut the baby in half and you can each take your share.

Woman 1: What?!? Nooooooooooooo!

Woman 2: Ok.

David Stern: I’m just kidding! I’m moving the baby to Oklahoma City.

 

David Stern as Jacob

Joseph: Yo, dad! Check out my new coat of many colors!

David Stern: You’re in violation of the dress code. You’ll be sitting out tonight’s goat-herding match against Egypt.

 

David Stern as Peter

Sick woman: If I could just get through this crowd and touch Jesus, I’ll be healed.

Jesus: Someone just touched the hem of my garment.

David Stern: TECHNICAL FOUL!!!!

 

David Stern as Pontius Pilate

Angry Crowd: Rawrrarghharngh!!!!

David Stern: I’ll let you pick one of these two to set free. Do you want to free Jesus or Barabbas?

Angry Crowd: Give us Barabbas!

David Stern: Tell you what, we’ll put each of their names in an envelope, and I will randomly choose one of those envelopes which will not at all be frozen.

 

David Stern as Jesus

David Stern: In three days, I will raise my body from the dead.

Thomas: Tim Donaghy has been telling people you’d do it in less than two days.

David Stern: Who does he think I am, Dwayne Wade?!?