Video script I wrote for the Onion News Network

Here’s a short video segment I wrote for ONN a few years ago….

Rachael Ray Endorsement Proves Frighteningly Important

CUT TO: ONN ANCHOR sitting at news desk.

Television cooking queen Rachael Ray announced on her show yesterday her public endorsement of Republican nominee John McCain, who enjoyed an immediate 30-point jump in the polls as a result.  Here to talk about the biggest swing in the history of American politics is our own political correspondent, Jeffrey Greenberg.

CUT TO: Jeffrey Greenburg, sitting and dressed in a suit and tie.

Hi, Jean Anne.

CUT TO: Anchor.

Jeffrey, WHAT happened?  Did a housewife just fix the presidential election?

CUT TO: Jeffrey.

That’s certainly possible, Jean Anne.  Yesterday’s endorsement was very cunning, as Rachael Ray included the endorsement as a step in one of her recipes.

Jeffrey picks up a sheet of paper and reads from it.

Step 3: Add egg yolks.  Step 4: Add chocolate.  Step 5: Vote for John McCain.  Step 6: Sift flour.

Jeffrey puts down the sheet up paper

Now, anyone that wants to make delicious German Chocolate Cake cannot do so without voting for John McCain.  It seems like the way to America’s vote is through its stomach.

CUT TO: Anchor.

Well, what about Julia Childs’ endorsement of Walter Mondale in 1984?

CUT TO: Jeffrey.

Julia Childs couldn’t make meals in less than 30 minutes.

CUT TO: Anchor.

Many Democrats are outraged that all of the undecided’s, and even a few of their own party members, were swayed by Rachel Ray and there is even talk of a lawsuit being filed that would stop her from promoting any political candidates.  What do you say to that?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.

I’d say that they need to try these Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.

GRAPHIC UP: Chicken Cigars
1 1/2 lbs ground chicken
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons paprika
2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons grill seasoning (recommended Montreal Seasoning by McCormick)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves (a handful)
8 sheets phyllo dough
1/2 cup butter, melted

30 MINUTES, Jean Anne.  30 MINUTES!!

GRAPHIC UP: Sweet and Sour Dipping Sauce
2 tablespoons sweet plum sauce or Chinese duck sauce
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1/4 cup light oil (such as peanut, canola, or vegetable oil)
kosher salt
fresh ground black pepper, to taste
1/2 cup finely diced mango (optional)
1 scallion, green tops only, thinly sliced on the bias

CUT TO: Anchor, who pauses briefly.

Mexico issued a statement today, openly mocking the “downward spiral of American politics.”  Don’t you think we might have a problem when MEXICO is critiquing our election process?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating a Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadilla and is now adorned in McCain ‘08 buttons.

Mexico is just mad that they can’t make Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas like THIS.

GRAPHIC UP: Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas
1 (12 ounce) package soy chorizo, or (I used Frieda’s brand)
1/2 lb chorizo sausage, sliced thin on an angle
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
1 garlic clove, crushed
12 large shrimp, peeled and deveined, tails removed
salt & freshly ground black pepper
4 (12 inch)  flour tortillas
2 cups monterey jack pepper cheese, shredded

Seriously, how do you let someone take something from you that you’re famous for, and then let them do it better?  That would be like if America watched Holland win the World Series.  Absolutely shameful.

GRAPHIC UP: Directions
1. Heat a 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium high heat.
2. Brown chorizo 2 to 3 minutes, then remove from pan. The soyrizo takes much less time to heat through.
3. Add oil, garlic, then shrimp.
4. Season shrimp with salt and pepper and cook shrimp until pink, 2 or 3 minutes.
5. Transfer shrimp to a cutting board and coarsely chop.
6. Spray pan with non stick cooking spray and add a large tortilla.
7. Cook tortilla 30 seconds, then turn.
8. Cover 1/2 of the tortilla with a couple of handfuls of cheese.
9. Arrange a layer of soyrizo and shrimp over the cheese and fold tortilla over.
10. Press down gently with a spatula and cook tortilla a minute or so on each side to melt cheese and crisp.
11. Remove quesadilla to large cutting board and repeat with remaining ingredients.
12. Cut each quesadilla into 5 wedges and transfer to plates with your spatula.
13. Top wedges of quesadillas with guacamole, sour cream or salsa.

Jeffrey, what does this say about the state of politics in our country, when the Commander-in-Chief is elected by someone whose only experience in foreign policy is making Crème De Menthe Parfaits?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is now covered with McCain buttons, wearing an Uncle Sam top hot and big patriotic sunglasses, and waving a McCain flag while sloppily eating a Crème De Menthe Parfait.

Mmmmmm, GOD, that is good.

GRAPHIC UP: Crème De Menthe Parfait
1 pint softened French vanilla ice cream, 1 pint per 4 servings
fresh mint leaves, to garnish
raspberry, to garnish
fresh edible flower, to garnish

Jeffrey tilts his head back and throws down on the rest of the Crème De Menthe Parfait, covering his face in runny vanilla ice cream.  He returns his gaze to the camera without wiping any of it off.

Listen, Jean Anne, you can skip step number five if you want to, but you’re not going to make the perfect German Chocolate Cake that way.

Jeffrey pauses and then licks his lips.

CUT TO: Anchor.

Coming up next, a computer virus containing nude pictures of Diane Keaton crashes tens of computers.


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