Tag Archives: mark cuban

20 Amazing Products “Shark Tank” Doesn’t Want The World To See

One of the first things you learn in inventing school is “Always Be Inventing.” Actually, that was the only thing I learned in inventing school, because right after our instructor told us that, he was killed by the Murdering Chalkboard™ he had just invented.

Luckily, I was in the back of the room, grabbing a cup of coffee and well outside of the Murdering Chalkboard™’s stabbing range.

My classmates weren’t so fortunate, though. Those steak knives cut through them like steak knives through half a metaphor. Within seconds, that Murdering Chalkboard™ was covered in their blood, but not before I had written down the most important lesson of that day: “Always Be Inventing.”

Twenty inventions later, I have 20 amazing products that could change this world. Probably for the better.

The only problem is that my inventing school experience was cut short before I got to learn about patents and getting Los Angeles Angels as investors and stuff.

Someone else saw that problem and invented a solution called “Shark Tank.”

Well, new problem. “Shark Tank” and its cast of investors have ignored every single one of the 20 brilliant inventions I’ve tweeted at them.

Seriously, Barbara Corcoran, how do you ignore “Astronaut Yogurt?” 

Mark Cuban may be a billionaire, but it’s obvious he doesn’t recognize billion dollar ideas like my “J’accuzi” hot tub for district attorneys.

The world needs these products, which is why I’m officially cutting out “Shark Tank” as the middle-man and giving them straight to the people.

This is a limited-time offer.

Dear Mark Cuban,

As a billionaire, you receive a considerable amount of requests for monetary hand-outs, but how many of those people are willing to do something in return for the money?

I AM. And, as such, I have put together a menu of sorts, that lists all the things I’ll do for a bit of cash. You can pick one item, four items, however many you’d like.

$9 – I will open my front door and yell to the world, “Mark Cuban paid me nine dollars to shout this!”

$260 – I will get a Dallas Mavericks tattoo on my right ankle (this will be my first tattoo).

$500 – I will get a Mark Cuban tattoo on my left ankle.

$800 – I will drink only V8 for one week (I fucking HATE V8, Mark Cuban).

$1,000 – I will watch Hotel For Dogs, THREE TIMES IN A ROW.

$5,000 – I will dress up in a Dallas Mavericks cheerleader outfit and walk around Dallas for a day.

$10,000 – I will learn how to spell Dirk Novitskee’s last name.

$15,000 – I will fly to Las Vegas and bet $12,000 on the Dallas Mavericks winning the 2009 NBA Championship.

$50,000 – I will teach Erik Dampier how to catch a basketball pass.

$50,100 – I will teach Erik Dampier how to shoot a basketball shot from 4-6 feet out.

$100,000 – I will legally change my name to “Mark Cuban Isagenius.” Or, you can pick a name. I will never change it.

$500,000 – I will don a referee’s uniform and sit beside you at Dallas Mavericks games. You can smack me in the head and yell at me as much as you want.

$1,000,000 – I will eat my own poop. For serious, Mark Cuban.

I’m ready to do any of these right now. And, for only 15% of Erick Dampier’s 2009 salary, you can buy EVERYTHING on the menu. That has to be a better deal than 5.7 points per game, no?

Your fan,

Greg Brainos

Last warning, Twitter widget

I don’t know what the hell is going on with the Twitter bar on the right side of this page. Half the time, it just says, “No response from Twitter.”

STOP PLAYING THE BLAME-GAME, TWITTER WIDGET.

It’s time to take some responsibility for your lack of productivity and ambition. I’d rather you be honest and say, “Don’t feel like working right now, maybe later.”

All the other widgets are pulling their weight, Twitter widget. Blogroll doesn’t take days off. She’s here every single second of every goddamn day, and she has two comatose children in the hospital.

No excuses, Twitter widget. Time to step that shit up.

K, I will be writing a letter to Mark Cuban in the next day or so.