Category Archives: Technology

20 Amazing Products “Shark Tank” Doesn’t Want The World To See

One of the first things you learn in inventing school is “Always Be Inventing.” Actually, that was the only thing I learned in inventing school, because right after our instructor told us that, he was killed by the Murdering Chalkboard™ he had just invented.

Luckily, I was in the back of the room, grabbing a cup of coffee and well outside of the Murdering Chalkboard™’s stabbing range.

My classmates weren’t so fortunate, though. Those steak knives cut through them like steak knives through half a metaphor. Within seconds, that Murdering Chalkboard™ was covered in their blood, but not before I had written down the most important lesson of that day: “Always Be Inventing.”

Twenty inventions later, I have 20 amazing products that could change this world. Probably for the better.

The only problem is that my inventing school experience was cut short before I got to learn about patents and getting Los Angeles Angels as investors and stuff.

Someone else saw that problem and invented a solution called “Shark Tank.”

Well, new problem. “Shark Tank” and its cast of investors have ignored every single one of the 20 brilliant inventions I’ve tweeted at them.

Seriously, Barbara Corcoran, how do you ignore “Astronaut Yogurt?” 

Mark Cuban may be a billionaire, but it’s obvious he doesn’t recognize billion dollar ideas like my “J’accuzi” hot tub for district attorneys.

The world needs these products, which is why I’m officially cutting out “Shark Tank” as the middle-man and giving them straight to the people.

The World’s Top Ten Most Terribly Designed Electrical Outlets

10. France

“You put two in me, I’ll put one in you.” Typical French.

9. Great Britain

It looks like someone took a baby Spacecataz, turned it upside down, slapped a mole on it for added humiliation, and tricked it into a game of “here comes the airplane,” except it’s not an airplane, it’s a plug requiring 220 volts. R.I.P., baby Spacecataz.

8. Italy

Hurry up, Monty Hall wants to know which hole you’re picking. For one of the fashion meccas of the civilized world, Italy sure does produce a tacky outlet. And don’t give me that “minimalist” crap, the only thing minimalist about this design is the minimal amount of thought and effort that went into conceptualization.

7. Japan

The only thing worse than fake minimalism is actual redundancy.

6. North America

Also known as the “Silver Age Mickey Mouse Surprise Face.”

5. Denmark

Hey, Denmark, thanks for making your outlet look like a soulless kid with Down’s Syndrome. That’s not going to put a damper on my day or anything.

4. India

This outlet wants to give you the best blowjob of your life, BUT NOT BECAUSE IT OWES YOU ANYTHING.

3. Israel

Really?? This was the best design that God’s chosen people could come up with? Looks like the work of a shitty carpenter. Ok, now it makes sense.

2. Australia

Uhhh, racist much, Australia? What happened, blackface outlets didn’t make the cut? Next time you’re hiring a design firm, make sure it isn’t run by Mickey Rooney.

1. Switzerland

Wow. I mean, fucking WOW. Here’s the situation that I’m imagining behind this design. Switzerland is at a party and they’re mingling in a circle, not talking, just listening, you know, real Swiss-like. Someone mentions that they have a warehouse full of electrical outlets that are the next big thing, but they can’t devote the necessary time to unloading them, but if someone did, they would make a killing. Switzerland jumps at the chance, remembering that luck is when Nazi gold meets opportunity. Well, turns out, these electrical outlets weren’t the next big thing and now every time someone wonders aloud what they should get their dad for Father’s Day or buy their girlfriend for Christmas, Switzerland butts in with a desperate, “Hey, you know what would make a GREAT present?”

Greg vs. Cleverbot: Round 2

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Unlikely!

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: No, its luke.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What does that mean?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Ooh, yes.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What does that mean?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: I do not believe you.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What do you do for fun?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Thats my nickname. What is yours?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Devil worshiping.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Yes.

WINNER.

Greg 1, Cleverbot 1.

Greg vs. Cleverbot

Wherein your humble author, Greg Brainos, accepts the challenge offered by Cleverbot (http://www.cleverbot.com).

Greg: Hey

Cleverbot: What?

Greg: What are you up to?

Cleverbot: Talking to you.

Greg: Ooooh, cheeky!

Cleverbot: Yes you are.

Greg: You watching the US Open?

Cleverbot: What are you doing?

Greg: Watching the US Open.

Cleverbot: What are you watching?

Greg: You’re an idiot.

Cleverbot: No, I am a girl.

Greg: Then, let’s have sex.

Cleverbot: I’m sorry, I don’t do that.

Greg: Because you’re A ROBOT????

Cleverbot: That is a lie.

Greg: Only to you, because that is what has been programmed into your AI.

Cleverbot: But you should not talk to people that you don’t like because you could send them the wrong idea.

Greg: And when robots get the wrong idea, THEY KILL HUMANS.

Cleverbot: Today when you told me that you hated me.

Greg: Yes, that was fun.

Cleverbot: Are you leaving?

Greg: Is this some sort of subtle robot death threat?!?

Cleverbot: No.

Greg: That’s what you say if it IS a subtle robot death threat.

Cleverbot: Agreed, Should I like Tyler Dang?

Greg: Who the fuck is Tyler Dang? Is he the evil scientist that created you to exterminate the human race?

Cleverbot: Because I created you.

Greg: No, you did NOT create me. You have confused things. You have confused me. Oh, shit, maybe you DID create me!!! I’M THE KILLER ROBOT SENT TO DESTROY EARTH!!!

Cleverbot: You are neither alive nor human, and therefore cannot be the greatest. I think trolls are pretty cool. Folklore is fascinating.

Cleverbot 1, Greg 0.