Video script I wrote for the Onion News Network

Here’s a short video segment I wrote for ONN a few years ago….

Rachael Ray Endorsement Proves Frighteningly Important

CUT TO: ONN ANCHOR sitting at news desk.

ANCHOR
Television cooking queen Rachael Ray announced on her show yesterday her public endorsement of Republican nominee John McCain, who enjoyed an immediate 30-point jump in the polls as a result.  Here to talk about the biggest swing in the history of American politics is our own political correspondent, Jeffrey Greenberg.

CUT TO: Jeffrey Greenburg, sitting and dressed in a suit and tie.

JEFFREY
Hi, Jean Anne.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Jeffrey, WHAT happened?  Did a housewife just fix the presidential election?

CUT TO: Jeffrey.

JEFFREY
That’s certainly possible, Jean Anne.  Yesterday’s endorsement was very cunning, as Rachael Ray included the endorsement as a step in one of her recipes.

Jeffrey picks up a sheet of paper and reads from it.

JEFFREY
Step 3: Add egg yolks.  Step 4: Add chocolate.  Step 5: Vote for John McCain.  Step 6: Sift flour.

Jeffrey puts down the sheet up paper

JEFFREY
Now, anyone that wants to make delicious German Chocolate Cake cannot do so without voting for John McCain.  It seems like the way to America’s vote is through its stomach.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Well, what about Julia Childs’ endorsement of Walter Mondale in 1984?

CUT TO: Jeffrey.

JEFFREY
Julia Childs couldn’t make meals in less than 30 minutes.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Many Democrats are outraged that all of the undecided’s, and even a few of their own party members, were swayed by Rachel Ray and there is even talk of a lawsuit being filed that would stop her from promoting any political candidates.  What do you say to that?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.

JEFFREY
I’d say that they need to try these Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.

GRAPHIC UP: Chicken Cigars
1 1/2 lbs ground chicken
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons paprika
2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons grill seasoning (recommended Montreal Seasoning by McCormick)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves (a handful)
8 sheets phyllo dough
1/2 cup butter, melted

JEFFREY
30 MINUTES, Jean Anne.  30 MINUTES!!

GRAPHIC UP: Sweet and Sour Dipping Sauce
2 tablespoons sweet plum sauce or Chinese duck sauce
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1/4 cup light oil (such as peanut, canola, or vegetable oil)
kosher salt
fresh ground black pepper, to taste
1/2 cup finely diced mango (optional)
1 scallion, green tops only, thinly sliced on the bias

CUT TO: Anchor, who pauses briefly.

ANCHOR
Mexico issued a statement today, openly mocking the “downward spiral of American politics.”  Don’t you think we might have a problem when MEXICO is critiquing our election process?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating a Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadilla and is now adorned in McCain ‘08 buttons.

JEFFREY
Mexico is just mad that they can’t make Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas like THIS.

GRAPHIC UP: Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas
1 (12 ounce) package soy chorizo, or (I used Frieda’s brand)
1/2 lb chorizo sausage, sliced thin on an angle
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
1 garlic clove, crushed
12 large shrimp, peeled and deveined, tails removed
salt & freshly ground black pepper
4 (12 inch)  flour tortillas
2 cups monterey jack pepper cheese, shredded

JEFFREY
Seriously, how do you let someone take something from you that you’re famous for, and then let them do it better?  That would be like if America watched Holland win the World Series.  Absolutely shameful.

GRAPHIC UP: Directions
1. Heat a 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium high heat.
2. Brown chorizo 2 to 3 minutes, then remove from pan. The soyrizo takes much less time to heat through.
3. Add oil, garlic, then shrimp.
4. Season shrimp with salt and pepper and cook shrimp until pink, 2 or 3 minutes.
5. Transfer shrimp to a cutting board and coarsely chop.
6. Spray pan with non stick cooking spray and add a large tortilla.
7. Cook tortilla 30 seconds, then turn.
8. Cover 1/2 of the tortilla with a couple of handfuls of cheese.
9. Arrange a layer of soyrizo and shrimp over the cheese and fold tortilla over.
10. Press down gently with a spatula and cook tortilla a minute or so on each side to melt cheese and crisp.
11. Remove quesadilla to large cutting board and repeat with remaining ingredients.
12. Cut each quesadilla into 5 wedges and transfer to plates with your spatula.
13. Top wedges of quesadillas with guacamole, sour cream or salsa.

ANCHOR
Jeffrey, what does this say about the state of politics in our country, when the Commander-in-Chief is elected by someone whose only experience in foreign policy is making Crème De Menthe Parfaits?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is now covered with McCain buttons, wearing an Uncle Sam top hot and big patriotic sunglasses, and waving a McCain flag while sloppily eating a Crème De Menthe Parfait.

JEFFREY
Mmmmmm, GOD, that is good.

GRAPHIC UP: Crème De Menthe Parfait
1 pint softened French vanilla ice cream, 1 pint per 4 servings
fresh mint leaves, to garnish
raspberry, to garnish
fresh edible flower, to garnish

Jeffrey tilts his head back and throws down on the rest of the Crème De Menthe Parfait, covering his face in runny vanilla ice cream.  He returns his gaze to the camera without wiping any of it off.

JEFFREY
Listen, Jean Anne, you can skip step number five if you want to, but you’re not going to make the perfect German Chocolate Cake that way.

Jeffrey pauses and then licks his lips.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Coming up next, a computer virus containing nude pictures of Diane Keaton crashes tens of computers.

Advertisements

Future Bleak

Past perfect tense is an illusion created by our own romanticism. Having had rewritten what actually transpired, we can now bathe in the glory of nostalgia.

Future perfect is an even bigger lie. We don’t know what the fuck is going to happen in the future. Sure, we will have had our past experiences to inform our decisions, but most of the situations we try to navigate are out of our control, anyway.

Who can save us from this language of lies? I can. I will. I can have will done it right now.  See, I created a new grammatical compound tense that’s honest. It’s called, “future bleak,” and it’s going to revolutionize the way we communicate. Future bleak strips away all the candy-coating and hand-holding that only serves to leave us unprepared. It lets you know that a storm is coming, so get your fucking shit together.

Here are some examples of how to compose a sentence employing future bleak:

North Korea willz’ve launched their third nuclear missile by noon.

We willz’ve lost all our money at the craps table before we make it to the blackjack table.

Willow Smith willz’ve lived her entire life carrying the genes responsible for “Nod Ya Head” and Wild Wild West.

“Why did you contract ‘have’ like that, Greg?” you may ask, with a smudge of mustard on your chin. “Because in the bleak future of future bleak, there is no ‘have’ to be had, that’s why it’s so bleak. Also, no, not that chin, your other chin, ahhhhahahahahaha.”

I truly believe that if you just try it a few times, you’ll grow to like using future bleak. Unless you’re German, in which case, good luck with “willz’ve!”

David Stern as Bible Characters

 

David Stern as King Solomon

Woman 1: King Solomon, this woman is trying to take my baby!

Woman 2: It’s MY baby!

David Stern: Well, I’ll just cut the baby in half and you can each take your share.

Woman 1: What?!? Nooooooooooooo!

Woman 2: Ok.

David Stern: I’m just kidding! I’m moving the baby to Oklahoma City.

 

David Stern as Jacob

Joseph: Yo, dad! Check out my new coat of many colors!

David Stern: You’re in violation of the dress code. You’ll be sitting out tonight’s goat-herding match against Egypt.

 

David Stern as Peter

Sick woman: If I could just get through this crowd and touch Jesus, I’ll be healed.

Jesus: Someone just touched the hem of my garment.

David Stern: TECHNICAL FOUL!!!!

 

David Stern as Pontius Pilate

Angry Crowd: Rawrrarghharngh!!!!

David Stern: I’ll let you pick one of these two to set free. Do you want to free Jesus or Barabbas?

Angry Crowd: Give us Barabbas!

David Stern: Tell you what, we’ll put each of their names in an envelope, and I will randomly choose one of those envelopes which will not at all be frozen.

 

David Stern as Jesus

David Stern: In three days, I will raise my body from the dead.

Thomas: Tim Donaghy has been telling people you’d do it in less than two days.

David Stern: Who does he think I am, Dwayne Wade?!?


Only $14.99, plus S&H

For all the “spontaneous” people that like to throw darts at a world map to let fate decide their vacation spot, but then secretly cringe when the point jams into Yemen, I have created a “Vacation World Map.”

Greg vs. Cleverbot: Round 2

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Unlikely!

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: No, its luke.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What does that mean?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Ooh, yes.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What does that mean?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: I do not believe you.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What do you do for fun?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Thats my nickname. What is yours?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Devil worshiping.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Yes.

WINNER.

Greg 1, Cleverbot 1.

Greg vs. Cleverbot

Wherein your humble author, Greg Brainos, accepts the challenge offered by Cleverbot (http://www.cleverbot.com).

Greg: Hey

Cleverbot: What?

Greg: What are you up to?

Cleverbot: Talking to you.

Greg: Ooooh, cheeky!

Cleverbot: Yes you are.

Greg: You watching the US Open?

Cleverbot: What are you doing?

Greg: Watching the US Open.

Cleverbot: What are you watching?

Greg: You’re an idiot.

Cleverbot: No, I am a girl.

Greg: Then, let’s have sex.

Cleverbot: I’m sorry, I don’t do that.

Greg: Because you’re A ROBOT????

Cleverbot: That is a lie.

Greg: Only to you, because that is what has been programmed into your AI.

Cleverbot: But you should not talk to people that you don’t like because you could send them the wrong idea.

Greg: And when robots get the wrong idea, THEY KILL HUMANS.

Cleverbot: Today when you told me that you hated me.

Greg: Yes, that was fun.

Cleverbot: Are you leaving?

Greg: Is this some sort of subtle robot death threat?!?

Cleverbot: No.

Greg: That’s what you say if it IS a subtle robot death threat.

Cleverbot: Agreed, Should I like Tyler Dang?

Greg: Who the fuck is Tyler Dang? Is he the evil scientist that created you to exterminate the human race?

Cleverbot: Because I created you.

Greg: No, you did NOT create me. You have confused things. You have confused me. Oh, shit, maybe you DID create me!!! I’M THE KILLER ROBOT SENT TO DESTROY EARTH!!!

Cleverbot: You are neither alive nor human, and therefore cannot be the greatest. I think trolls are pretty cool. Folklore is fascinating.

Cleverbot 1, Greg 0.

Prop Bets for The Expendables

Just a few hours left until midnight screenings of The Expendables and I would be failing my duties as a degenerate gambler if I didn’t set some prop bet lines and offer to take action on them.  Betting windows close at 11:59pm EST.

Someone is killed in the first 15 minutes — 1 to 5

Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a pun to someone he’s just killed — 2 to 5

One of the Expendables mentions how expendable they are — 1 to 1

More than 2.5 bazooka blasts — 5 to 2

Less than 1.5 slow-motion kicks — 3 to 1

Jason Statham headbutts someone — 5 to 1

Jason Statham headbutts a mirror — 6 to 1

A bomb is defused with less than 5 seconds left on the timer — 7 to 1

A helicopter is brought down using an improvised weapon — 10 to 1

A prostitute is used as a human shield — 14 to 1

Zero explosions in the movie — 5,000 to 1

The Expendables soundtrack provided by Sixpence None the Richer — 9,000 to 1