Category Archives: Marketing

20 Amazing Products “Shark Tank” Doesn’t Want The World To See

One of the first things you learn in inventing school is “Always Be Inventing.” Actually, that was the only thing I learned in inventing school, because right after our instructor told us that, he was killed by the Murdering Chalkboard™ he had just invented.

Luckily, I was in the back of the room, grabbing a cup of coffee and well outside of the Murdering Chalkboard™’s stabbing range.

My classmates weren’t so fortunate, though. Those steak knives cut through them like steak knives through half a metaphor. Within seconds, that Murdering Chalkboard™ was covered in their blood, but not before I had written down the most important lesson of that day: “Always Be Inventing.”

Twenty inventions later, I have 20 amazing products that could change this world. Probably for the better.

The only problem is that my inventing school experience was cut short before I got to learn about patents and getting Los Angeles Angels as investors and stuff.

Someone else saw that problem and invented a solution called “Shark Tank.”

Well, new problem. “Shark Tank” and its cast of investors have ignored every single one of the 20 brilliant inventions I’ve tweeted at them.

Seriously, Barbara Corcoran, how do you ignore “Astronaut Yogurt?” 

Mark Cuban may be a billionaire, but it’s obvious he doesn’t recognize billion dollar ideas like my “J’accuzi” hot tub for district attorneys.

The world needs these products, which is why I’m officially cutting out “Shark Tank” as the middle-man and giving them straight to the people.

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This will not end well.

I would not have believed this game existed had I not seen it for myself.  Prepare yourself for…

mm_beachM&M’s Beach Party!

“Hey, we’re made of chocolate, why don’t we load up the station wagon with a grill, a hammock, and NO umbrellas and take a trip to the beach!”

I don’t know who manages the M&M’s, but I imagine that on his first day of work, he received a “List of Things You Should Not Let M&M’s Do.”  Things like, “M&M’s should not be seen fraternizing in public with Hershey’s Kisses,” “M&M’s should never star in a snuff film,” and, “Under NO circumstances shall M&M’s throw A FUCKING BEACH PARTY.”

Clearly, Yellow M&M is retarded and doesn’t know any better.  Red M&M wants to prove he’s a bad-ass.  Green M&M is suicidal, so, “whatever happens, happens.”  Blue M&M is GRILLING, on the BEACH, under the SUN.  Orange M&M is the only one that seems worried about how this adventure might turn out.

We’ll see you guys again in M&M’s Beach Party 2: Chocolate Sand.

Anti-depressants sold seperately

For those of you scrambling for a last-minute Easter gift for your child’s basket, I JUST SAVED YOUR ASS.

Look no further than…

The Sims 2: IKEA Home Stuff

THE SIMS 2: IKEA HOME STUFF!!!!

The fun begins with the assembly of the CD!

But, of course, the fun doesn’t end there. WHO’S UP FOR READING THE 950-PAGE INSTRUCTION MANUAL?!? You better be!

If you haven’t slit your wrists by now, then you’re a living human being and you can play THE SIMS 2: IKEA HOME STUFF. Congratulations!

Why not come home early to find your wife cheating on you in a nice MALM bed? How about dressing up that living room with a plush EKTORP sofa that one of you will get in the divorce? May I suggest a stately STORM floor lamp to help you find the crumpled Qdoba receipt with that psychiatrist-in-training’s number scribbled on the back?

THE SIMS 2: IKEA HOME STUFF. Only $19.95. Stop crying.