Category Archives: Money

20 Amazing Products “Shark Tank” Doesn’t Want The World To See

One of the first things you learn in inventing school is “Always Be Inventing.” Actually, that was the only thing I learned in inventing school, because right after our instructor told us that, he was killed by the Murdering Chalkboard™ he had just invented.

Luckily, I was in the back of the room, grabbing a cup of coffee and well outside of the Murdering Chalkboard™’s stabbing range.

My classmates weren’t so fortunate, though. Those steak knives cut through them like steak knives through half a metaphor. Within seconds, that Murdering Chalkboard™ was covered in their blood, but not before I had written down the most important lesson of that day: “Always Be Inventing.”

Twenty inventions later, I have 20 amazing products that could change this world. Probably for the better.

The only problem is that my inventing school experience was cut short before I got to learn about patents and getting Los Angeles Angels as investors and stuff.

Someone else saw that problem and invented a solution called “Shark Tank.”

Well, new problem. “Shark Tank” and its cast of investors have ignored every single one of the 20 brilliant inventions I’ve tweeted at them.

Seriously, Barbara Corcoran, how do you ignore “Astronaut Yogurt?” 

Mark Cuban may be a billionaire, but it’s obvious he doesn’t recognize billion dollar ideas like my “J’accuzi” hot tub for district attorneys.

The world needs these products, which is why I’m officially cutting out “Shark Tank” as the middle-man and giving them straight to the people.

David Stern as Bible Characters

 

David Stern as King Solomon

Woman 1: King Solomon, this woman is trying to take my baby!

Woman 2: It’s MY baby!

David Stern: Well, I’ll just cut the baby in half and you can each take your share.

Woman 1: What?!? Nooooooooooooo!

Woman 2: Ok.

David Stern: I’m just kidding! I’m moving the baby to Oklahoma City.

 

David Stern as Jacob

Joseph: Yo, dad! Check out my new coat of many colors!

David Stern: You’re in violation of the dress code. You’ll be sitting out tonight’s goat-herding match against Egypt.

 

David Stern as Peter

Sick woman: If I could just get through this crowd and touch Jesus, I’ll be healed.

Jesus: Someone just touched the hem of my garment.

David Stern: TECHNICAL FOUL!!!!

 

David Stern as Pontius Pilate

Angry Crowd: Rawrrarghharngh!!!!

David Stern: I’ll let you pick one of these two to set free. Do you want to free Jesus or Barabbas?

Angry Crowd: Give us Barabbas!

David Stern: Tell you what, we’ll put each of their names in an envelope, and I will randomly choose one of those envelopes which will not at all be frozen.

 

David Stern as Jesus

David Stern: In three days, I will raise my body from the dead.

Thomas: Tim Donaghy has been telling people you’d do it in less than two days.

David Stern: Who does he think I am, Dwayne Wade?!?


The Fail-Proof Resume

Are you one of the nation’s ungainfully unemployed?  Or maybe you have a “temporary” full-time job that affords you just enough of a lunch break to scour CareerBuilder behind closed doors, while you wolf down the Banana Strawberry low-fat yogurt that has someone else’s name on it?

It all comes down to the resume, kiddos.  If you have that, you have the job.

But, creating the perfect resume is so hard, right?  If only there were an online template not a lot of people knew about that would guarantee me that perfect position.

Hi.  I’m Greg Brainos, and I’m going to help you build a resume that’s going to piss on all the other resumes in that stack.  There may be some residual splash, but your resume won’t have nearly as much urine on it as the other ones.

First of all, let’s talk delivery of your ticket to the chocolate factory.  All the other lemmings will be e-mailing their boring encapsulations of work and school and that’s advantage number one for you when you have your friend dress in a butler’s uniform and hand-deliver your resume to your future employer.  Make sure he uses a silver platter for the resume.  IT’S SYMBOLIC.  Also, make him promise to shower off all the marijuana smell before he dons the tailcoats.

As for the resume itself, follow this template and you’ll be calling me for lunch next week from the phone in your new corner office (remember to dial “*9” first, since it’s an outbound call).

Name. This is the most important part.  It’s who you are, so don’t skimp on the font.  Think 40 pt. or larger.  If you can import your glittering Myspace name graphic, bring a key to the interview, because you’re a lock.

Address. List an address within 500 feet of the company.  They’ll read, “786 Whitaker Ave.” as “786 Will Never Be Late to Work Ave.”  Idiots.

Funny joke. Everyone loves a funny joke, unless they’re trying to watch The Reader.  So, preface the joke with, “Are you watching The Reader while reading this?  If so, turn it off, because: 1) that’s pretty unprofessional and 2) you won’t enjoy it as much.  Now, a Jew, a German, and Shoeless Joe Jackson walk into a bar…”

Objective. Just write, “I really want to work for your company” 307 times (bold font, obviously).  When they read the first one, they’ll think, “Ok, everyone says that.”  After about 15 more, that changes to, “Wow, this person is serious.”  Once it gets up in the 60’s, it’s more, “Allllright, this is starting to get obnoxious.”  Right around 240 is when they go, “Whoa, this maniac will most certainly kill all of us if we don’t immediately extend an offer.”

How many degrees removed are you from Kevin Bacon? If your interviewer is worth their salt, they’re going to ask this question in the interview, so go ahead and answer it for them on the resume.  This should go without saying, but write out the names of the people that connect you to Kevin Bacon.

Education. Whatever you do, don’t be an idiot and take yourself out of the running by writing, “The School of Hard Knocks.”  Write, “The University of Hard Knocks.”

Picture of a cat. Fact, all resumes are screened by HR women with realtor haircuts.  Fact, these women love cats.  Given those facts, why not slap a picture of a cat on the resume and earn some extra points?  The pictured cat doesn’t have to be wearing pajamas, but that certainly doesn’t hurt.

Professional experience. This is your chance to show off how diverse you are, professionally.  All you have to do is list impressive jobs on which they’ll never be able to follow-up.  Roadie for U2.  Make-up artist/script editor for Gilmore Girls.  Pediatrician for Doctors Without Borders (if they ask how you practiced medicine without a degree, tell them that’s what the “without borders” means).

Condemn racism. At this point, they’ll be thinking, “This person is so unbelievably overqualified and smart, he MUST be racist.”  You need to go ahead and shut that down RIGHT NOW.

Skills. “Making delicious seven-layer taco lasagna for Potluck Fridays.“ “Spot-on impression of the Transformers ‘transforming’ noise.”  Along those lines.  Always include, “Can fix copier jams,” because, chances are, their copier is currently jammed.

Strengths. A common fallacy is to over-think this one.  They want to know the literal limits of your strength: bench-press, reps, and 40-yard-dash.

Weaknesses. This one is not literal.  Just write, “Generous to a fault.”  When asked about this in the interview, just give the interviewer $20 and apologize.

References. Kevin Bacon.  List the telephone numbers of the people that connect you to him.

Abe Lincoln: Employee of the Month or Douchebag?

It’s very early in our education that Americans learn the stories of “Honest Abe,” the*cough*teenth President of the United States. Certainly, the most famous of these tales and the one that earned Abe his nickname is the story about Offutt’s General Store employee Abe Lincoln walking three miles to return six cents to a woman he had accidentally overcharged.

That wasn’t the extent of Abe’s honesty, though. Lincoln made another six-mile trek to return six and a quarter cents he had overcharged yet another woman.

Think he might have subconsciously been giving women “the business” in a business sense because he was sexist? Think again, Poncho. Ol’ scruffy beard took four cents too much from a gentleman and, when realizing the error, closed the store early and walked four miles to return the difference.

On another occasion, Lincoln neglected to notice a four-ounce weight on a scale while he was weighing some tea, and ended up walking several miles to correct his error.

So, yeah, “Honest Abe” is one name you could give him. You could also be correct in calling him “That douchebag down at the general store that always overcharges you, then shows up at your house hours later, banging on the door and waking your 19 kids.”

Let us be the honest ones right now – Abe liked taking walks on company time, so he was careless in his cashier duties as a means to an end. This moron closed the store early to return four cents. What about all the customers that showed up to Offutt’s General Store to find it prematurely closed? That’s more than four cents worth of business and trust. I’m not going to say he had it coming to him, but…

Results of the 1st Annual Free Dinner Horse Race

More than 20 people participated in the 1st Annual Free Dinner Horse Race, and what a race it was.

OMG

OMG

OMG

OMFG

I think the moral of this race is that if you’re a dirty cunt electing for multiple facial reconstructions, you’re likely to lose the biggest race of your life by a nose.

We had THREE winners. Erik Martin, Sara Benincasa, and Mary Sasson all put $100 on My Little Pony to win, netting each of them a delicious $500. Erik and Sara, message me with your addresses and I’ll mail you some $15 gift cards. Mary, let me know if you’re around this Friday night and we’ll grab a bite, my treat.

Thanks to everyone who participated in the fun and props to those of you who boxed trifectas (two of you came really close) and exactas, which will probably be the path to victory next year.

Presenting the 1st Annual Free Dinner Horse Race

The field is finally set for the 1st Annual Free Dinner Horse Race and it is STACKED. Here are the horses, their odds to win, and a quick summary.

1- UNICORN BARBIE 3/1
Easily the most talented horse in this race, but can it keep its focus?
2- SILVER 4/1
The Lone Ranger’s trusty steed is the most consistent runner of the field.
3- MY LITTLE PONY 5/1
The early favorite is quickly turning into a longshot after losing her brush on Friday.
4- JOAN RIVERS 6/1
This evil horse-face will do ANYTHING to win.
5- MELISSA RIVERS 8/1
Cunt.
6- MR. ED 10/1
Everyone’s favorite talking horse has been more than disappointing in practice runs.
7- BABE 12/1
This pig LOVES to enter competitions in which it doesn’t belong! But will that do?
8- DREAMER 16/1
An appropriate name for this longshot ridden by first-time jockey Dakota Fanning.

Here’s how this will work: everyone gets $100 in virtual cash (you’re welcome). Bet however you’d like; you can put it all on one horse to win, you can spread it out over several horses, you can box a trifecta (top three horses) for a whopping payday, however you want to bet it.

The race will be virtually simulated the evening of Sunday, May 3rd, around 7pm EST. I will record the race and post the video here on the site so you can see your horse(s) win or perform in such a manner that will lead to their slaughter.

I will buy dinner for the person that wins the greatest amount of money. If you live far away, I will mail you a gift card and you can call me on the phone as you’re eating your celebratory dinner.

Send me your picks in whatever form you’d like. E-mail me, Twitter DM me, Facebook message me, drive to my house and throw a rock through my window with your picks attached me, etc.

This is going to be fun! HORSIES!!! WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Some bets are off!

I’m going to postpone the fantasy horsey racing schedule by one day, because I want to give a prize to the winner and I’d like everyone to have an adequate amount of time to literally pick their horse.

So, Saturday evening I will post the names of the eight horses and their odds of winning the race. Everyone will have a day to make their picks and on Sunday evening, I will use a fancy online horse racing simulator to determine the winner. I will try to capture video of the race.

DERBY WEEKEND!!!!!