Category Archives: Uncategorized

Video

Montage of Hall & Oates Writing a Montage Song (“You Make My Dreams”)

Check out this video I co-wrote with Boris Khaykin!

Produced by Teresa Lee, Greg Brainos, and Boris Khaykin
Directed and Edited by Boris Khaykin
Director of Photography: Johnny Sousa
Assistant Camera: Feliks Khaykin

David Carl as Daryl Hall
Erick Hellwig as John Oates
Alex Khurgin as Pizza Guy

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For sale: Hemingway’s shotgun, used once

What a delicious sample of @gregbrainos tweets

Bigfoot hunting is good work if you can find it.

The listed definition of the word “subtle” should be: “The sound that the letter ‘b’ makes in the word ‘subtle.'”

Trying to trademark the copyright symbol so I can own everything.

The easiest way to make a girl weak in the knees is to just deprive her of milk and all other sources of calcium.

The child from “The Emperor’s New Clothes” is a classic example of snitches not getting stitches.

“Why are the good ones always taken?” — Columbia’s most eligible bachelor and third-best kidnapper

I think something has paralyzed my upper body, but I can’t put my finger on it.

You know what would have been a terrible business decision, but an amazing act? If Warner Bros. had only produced one DVD of ‘Pay It Forward.’

When you live longer than expected, that’s a refund on all the hours you spent figuring out whether a shirt is black or dark blue.

Juan is the loneliest number. Very few Latino anesthesiologists.

Fireplaces built specifically for burning Bibles are a Nietzsche market.

“Yo, girl, lemme give you your phone number.” – Alexander Graham Bell picking up girls in a bar

Climate change: this is why we can’t have ice things.

Video script I wrote for the Onion News Network

Here’s a short video segment I wrote for ONN a few years ago….

Rachael Ray Endorsement Proves Frighteningly Important

CUT TO: ONN ANCHOR sitting at news desk.

ANCHOR
Television cooking queen Rachael Ray announced on her show yesterday her public endorsement of Republican nominee John McCain, who enjoyed an immediate 30-point jump in the polls as a result.  Here to talk about the biggest swing in the history of American politics is our own political correspondent, Jeffrey Greenberg.

CUT TO: Jeffrey Greenburg, sitting and dressed in a suit and tie.

JEFFREY
Hi, Jean Anne.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Jeffrey, WHAT happened?  Did a housewife just fix the presidential election?

CUT TO: Jeffrey.

JEFFREY
That’s certainly possible, Jean Anne.  Yesterday’s endorsement was very cunning, as Rachael Ray included the endorsement as a step in one of her recipes.

Jeffrey picks up a sheet of paper and reads from it.

JEFFREY
Step 3: Add egg yolks.  Step 4: Add chocolate.  Step 5: Vote for John McCain.  Step 6: Sift flour.

Jeffrey puts down the sheet up paper

JEFFREY
Now, anyone that wants to make delicious German Chocolate Cake cannot do so without voting for John McCain.  It seems like the way to America’s vote is through its stomach.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Well, what about Julia Childs’ endorsement of Walter Mondale in 1984?

CUT TO: Jeffrey.

JEFFREY
Julia Childs couldn’t make meals in less than 30 minutes.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Many Democrats are outraged that all of the undecided’s, and even a few of their own party members, were swayed by Rachel Ray and there is even talk of a lawsuit being filed that would stop her from promoting any political candidates.  What do you say to that?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.

JEFFREY
I’d say that they need to try these Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.

GRAPHIC UP: Chicken Cigars
1 1/2 lbs ground chicken
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons paprika
2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons grill seasoning (recommended Montreal Seasoning by McCormick)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves (a handful)
8 sheets phyllo dough
1/2 cup butter, melted

JEFFREY
30 MINUTES, Jean Anne.  30 MINUTES!!

GRAPHIC UP: Sweet and Sour Dipping Sauce
2 tablespoons sweet plum sauce or Chinese duck sauce
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1/4 cup light oil (such as peanut, canola, or vegetable oil)
kosher salt
fresh ground black pepper, to taste
1/2 cup finely diced mango (optional)
1 scallion, green tops only, thinly sliced on the bias

CUT TO: Anchor, who pauses briefly.

ANCHOR
Mexico issued a statement today, openly mocking the “downward spiral of American politics.”  Don’t you think we might have a problem when MEXICO is critiquing our election process?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating a Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadilla and is now adorned in McCain ‘08 buttons.

JEFFREY
Mexico is just mad that they can’t make Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas like THIS.

GRAPHIC UP: Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas
1 (12 ounce) package soy chorizo, or (I used Frieda’s brand)
1/2 lb chorizo sausage, sliced thin on an angle
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
1 garlic clove, crushed
12 large shrimp, peeled and deveined, tails removed
salt & freshly ground black pepper
4 (12 inch)  flour tortillas
2 cups monterey jack pepper cheese, shredded

JEFFREY
Seriously, how do you let someone take something from you that you’re famous for, and then let them do it better?  That would be like if America watched Holland win the World Series.  Absolutely shameful.

GRAPHIC UP: Directions
1. Heat a 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium high heat.
2. Brown chorizo 2 to 3 minutes, then remove from pan. The soyrizo takes much less time to heat through.
3. Add oil, garlic, then shrimp.
4. Season shrimp with salt and pepper and cook shrimp until pink, 2 or 3 minutes.
5. Transfer shrimp to a cutting board and coarsely chop.
6. Spray pan with non stick cooking spray and add a large tortilla.
7. Cook tortilla 30 seconds, then turn.
8. Cover 1/2 of the tortilla with a couple of handfuls of cheese.
9. Arrange a layer of soyrizo and shrimp over the cheese and fold tortilla over.
10. Press down gently with a spatula and cook tortilla a minute or so on each side to melt cheese and crisp.
11. Remove quesadilla to large cutting board and repeat with remaining ingredients.
12. Cut each quesadilla into 5 wedges and transfer to plates with your spatula.
13. Top wedges of quesadillas with guacamole, sour cream or salsa.

ANCHOR
Jeffrey, what does this say about the state of politics in our country, when the Commander-in-Chief is elected by someone whose only experience in foreign policy is making Crème De Menthe Parfaits?

CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is now covered with McCain buttons, wearing an Uncle Sam top hot and big patriotic sunglasses, and waving a McCain flag while sloppily eating a Crème De Menthe Parfait.

JEFFREY
Mmmmmm, GOD, that is good.

GRAPHIC UP: Crème De Menthe Parfait
1 pint softened French vanilla ice cream, 1 pint per 4 servings
fresh mint leaves, to garnish
raspberry, to garnish
fresh edible flower, to garnish

Jeffrey tilts his head back and throws down on the rest of the Crème De Menthe Parfait, covering his face in runny vanilla ice cream.  He returns his gaze to the camera without wiping any of it off.

JEFFREY
Listen, Jean Anne, you can skip step number five if you want to, but you’re not going to make the perfect German Chocolate Cake that way.

Jeffrey pauses and then licks his lips.

CUT TO: Anchor.

ANCHOR
Coming up next, a computer virus containing nude pictures of Diane Keaton crashes tens of computers.

Let me get your best cut of Jesus, with a side salad

One of my stand-up students last night was talking about communion and eating the body of Christ and asked, “What part of Jesus is this?”

It made me think of the cow diagram that explains where different steaks come from:

Delicious.

But where’s our Jesus diagram?  How can we consume the best part of our Lord if we don’t even know where it is?  Allow me to introduce the Cuts of Jesus diagram:

Feel free to print this out and carry it with you to the next Lord’s Supper.  Just don’t forget your can of spray cheese!

A portrait of a rock as a young stone

Stone being skipped across water:

“OMG, I’M SUDDENLY FLYING!?!”

“Ouch!”

“Whoa, flying again!”

“FUCK!”

“FLYING!”

“Humans are dicks.”

Robot-Voice Hitler

TONIGHT!

talkshow2_web

Talk Show week is crazy with planning and writing, so there will be some new stuff up on the site next week.