Here’s my “Workaholics” spec script that won the Sitcom Teleplay Spec category at the Austin Film Festival’s 2015 Screenplay Competition.
WORKAHOLICS – Bring Your Kid to Work Day
When a Forbes reporter shows up to write a profile on TelAmeriCorp and its families, the guys rent a kid for the day.
Here’s a pretty great “New Girl” spec I wrote.
NEW GIRL – The Perfect Schmidt
A medical study transforms Schmidt. Nick boycotts the imperial system of measurement and makes a bet with Winston. Jess has trouble ghostwriting a children’s book.
Check out this video I co-wrote with Boris Khaykin!
Produced by Teresa Lee, Greg Brainos, and Boris Khaykin
Directed and Edited by Boris Khaykin
Director of Photography: Johnny Sousa
Assistant Camera: Feliks Khaykin
David Carl as Daryl Hall
Erick Hellwig as John Oates
Alex Khurgin as Pizza Guy
What a delicious sample of @gregbrainos tweets
Bigfoot hunting is good work if you can find it.
The listed definition of the word “subtle” should be: “The sound that the letter ‘b’ makes in the word ‘subtle.'”
Trying to trademark the copyright symbol so I can own everything.
The easiest way to make a girl weak in the knees is to just deprive her of milk and all other sources of calcium.
The child from “The Emperor’s New Clothes” is a classic example of snitches not getting stitches.
“Why are the good ones always taken?” — Columbia’s most eligible bachelor and third-best kidnapper
I think something has paralyzed my upper body, but I can’t put my finger on it.
You know what would have been a terrible business decision, but an amazing act? If Warner Bros. had only produced one DVD of ‘Pay It Forward.’
When you live longer than expected, that’s a refund on all the hours you spent figuring out whether a shirt is black or dark blue.
Juan is the loneliest number. Very few Latino anesthesiologists.
Fireplaces built specifically for burning Bibles are a Nietzsche market.
“Yo, girl, lemme give you your phone number.” – Alexander Graham Bell picking up girls in a bar
Climate change: this is why we can’t have ice things.
Posted in Uncategorized
Here’s a short video segment I wrote for ONN a few years ago….
Rachael Ray Endorsement Proves Frighteningly Important
CUT TO: ONN ANCHOR sitting at news desk.
ANCHOR
Television cooking queen Rachael Ray announced on her show yesterday her public endorsement of Republican nominee John McCain, who enjoyed an immediate 30-point jump in the polls as a result. Here to talk about the biggest swing in the history of American politics is our own political correspondent, Jeffrey Greenberg.
CUT TO: Jeffrey Greenburg, sitting and dressed in a suit and tie.
JEFFREY
Hi, Jean Anne.
CUT TO: Anchor.
ANCHOR
Jeffrey, WHAT happened? Did a housewife just fix the presidential election?
CUT TO: Jeffrey.
JEFFREY
That’s certainly possible, Jean Anne. Yesterday’s endorsement was very cunning, as Rachael Ray included the endorsement as a step in one of her recipes.
Jeffrey picks up a sheet of paper and reads from it.
JEFFREY
Step 3: Add egg yolks. Step 4: Add chocolate. Step 5: Vote for John McCain. Step 6: Sift flour.
Jeffrey puts down the sheet up paper
JEFFREY
Now, anyone that wants to make delicious German Chocolate Cake cannot do so without voting for John McCain. It seems like the way to America’s vote is through its stomach.
CUT TO: Anchor.
ANCHOR
Well, what about Julia Childs’ endorsement of Walter Mondale in 1984?
CUT TO: Jeffrey.
JEFFREY
Julia Childs couldn’t make meals in less than 30 minutes.
CUT TO: Anchor.
ANCHOR
Many Democrats are outraged that all of the undecided’s, and even a few of their own party members, were swayed by Rachel Ray and there is even talk of a lawsuit being filed that would stop her from promoting any political candidates. What do you say to that?
CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.
JEFFREY
I’d say that they need to try these Mini Chicken Cigars with Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce.
GRAPHIC UP: Chicken Cigars
1 1/2 lbs ground chicken
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons paprika
2 teaspoons poultry seasoning
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons grill seasoning (recommended Montreal Seasoning by McCormick)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves (a handful)
8 sheets phyllo dough
1/2 cup butter, melted
JEFFREY
30 MINUTES, Jean Anne. 30 MINUTES!!
GRAPHIC UP: Sweet and Sour Dipping Sauce
2 tablespoons sweet plum sauce or Chinese duck sauce
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1/4 cup light oil (such as peanut, canola, or vegetable oil)
kosher salt
fresh ground black pepper, to taste
1/2 cup finely diced mango (optional)
1 scallion, green tops only, thinly sliced on the bias
CUT TO: Anchor, who pauses briefly.
ANCHOR
Mexico issued a statement today, openly mocking the “downward spiral of American politics.” Don’t you think we might have a problem when MEXICO is critiquing our election process?
CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is eating a Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadilla and is now adorned in McCain ‘08 buttons.
JEFFREY
Mexico is just mad that they can’t make Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas like THIS.
GRAPHIC UP: Shrimp & Soy-Rizo Quesadillas
1 (12 ounce) package soy chorizo, or (I used Frieda’s brand)
1/2 lb chorizo sausage, sliced thin on an angle
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
1 garlic clove, crushed
12 large shrimp, peeled and deveined, tails removed
salt & freshly ground black pepper
4 (12 inch) flour tortillas
2 cups monterey jack pepper cheese, shredded
JEFFREY
Seriously, how do you let someone take something from you that you’re famous for, and then let them do it better? That would be like if America watched Holland win the World Series. Absolutely shameful.
GRAPHIC UP: Directions
1. Heat a 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium high heat.
2. Brown chorizo 2 to 3 minutes, then remove from pan. The soyrizo takes much less time to heat through.
3. Add oil, garlic, then shrimp.
4. Season shrimp with salt and pepper and cook shrimp until pink, 2 or 3 minutes.
5. Transfer shrimp to a cutting board and coarsely chop.
6. Spray pan with non stick cooking spray and add a large tortilla.
7. Cook tortilla 30 seconds, then turn.
8. Cover 1/2 of the tortilla with a couple of handfuls of cheese.
9. Arrange a layer of soyrizo and shrimp over the cheese and fold tortilla over.
10. Press down gently with a spatula and cook tortilla a minute or so on each side to melt cheese and crisp.
11. Remove quesadilla to large cutting board and repeat with remaining ingredients.
12. Cut each quesadilla into 5 wedges and transfer to plates with your spatula.
13. Top wedges of quesadillas with guacamole, sour cream or salsa.
ANCHOR
Jeffrey, what does this say about the state of politics in our country, when the Commander-in-Chief is elected by someone whose only experience in foreign policy is making Crème De Menthe Parfaits?
CUT TO: Jeffrey, who is now covered with McCain buttons, wearing an Uncle Sam top hot and big patriotic sunglasses, and waving a McCain flag while sloppily eating a Crème De Menthe Parfait.
JEFFREY
Mmmmmm, GOD, that is good.
GRAPHIC UP: Crème De Menthe Parfait
1 pint softened French vanilla ice cream, 1 pint per 4 servings
fresh mint leaves, to garnish
raspberry, to garnish
fresh edible flower, to garnish
Jeffrey tilts his head back and throws down on the rest of the Crème De Menthe Parfait, covering his face in runny vanilla ice cream. He returns his gaze to the camera without wiping any of it off.
JEFFREY
Listen, Jean Anne, you can skip step number five if you want to, but you’re not going to make the perfect German Chocolate Cake that way.
Jeffrey pauses and then licks his lips.
CUT TO: Anchor.
ANCHOR
Coming up next, a computer virus containing nude pictures of Diane Keaton crashes tens of computers.
Posted in Uncategorized
Past perfect tense is an illusion created by our own romanticism. Having had rewritten what actually transpired, we can now bathe in the glory of nostalgia.
Future perfect is an even bigger lie. We don’t know what the fuck is going to happen in the future. Sure, we will have had our past experiences to inform our decisions, but most of the situations we try to navigate are out of our control, anyway.
Who can save us from this language of lies? I can. I will. I can have will done it right now. See, I created a new grammatical compound tense that’s honest. It’s called, “future bleak,” and it’s going to revolutionize the way we communicate. Future bleak strips away all the candy-coating and hand-holding that only serves to leave us unprepared. It lets you know that a storm is coming, so get your fucking shit together.
Here are some examples of how to compose a sentence employing future bleak:
North Korea willz’ve launched their third nuclear missile by noon.
We willz’ve lost all our money at the craps table before we make it to the blackjack table.
Willow Smith willz’ve lived her entire life carrying the genes responsible for “Nod Ya Head” and Wild Wild West.
“Why did you contract ‘have’ like that, Greg?” you may ask, with a smudge of mustard on your chin. “Because in the bleak future of future bleak, there is no ‘have’ to be had, that’s why it’s so bleak. Also, no, not that chin, your other chin, ahhhhahahahahaha.”
I truly believe that if you just try it a few times, you’ll grow to like using future bleak. Unless you’re German, in which case, good luck with “willz’ve!”
Posted in Article, Grammar, Life
Tagged future bleak, future perfect, grammar, past perfect, tense, willz've
David Stern as King Solomon
Woman 1: King Solomon, this woman is trying to take my baby!
Woman 2: It’s MY baby!
David Stern: Well, I’ll just cut the baby in half and you can each take your share.
Woman 1: What?!? Nooooooooooooo!
Woman 2: Ok.
David Stern: I’m just kidding! I’m moving the baby to Oklahoma City.
David Stern as Jacob
Joseph: Yo, dad! Check out my new coat of many colors!
David Stern: You’re in violation of the dress code. You’ll be sitting out tonight’s goat-herding match against Egypt.
David Stern as Peter
Sick woman: If I could just get through this crowd and touch Jesus, I’ll be healed.
Jesus: Someone just touched the hem of my garment.
David Stern: TECHNICAL FOUL!!!!
David Stern as Pontius Pilate
Angry Crowd: Rawrrarghharngh!!!!
David Stern: I’ll let you pick one of these two to set free. Do you want to free Jesus or Barabbas?
Angry Crowd: Give us Barabbas!
David Stern: Tell you what, we’ll put each of their names in an envelope, and I will randomly choose one of those envelopes which will not at all be frozen.
David Stern as Jesus
David Stern: In three days, I will raise my body from the dead.
Thomas: Tim Donaghy has been telling people you’d do it in less than two days.
David Stern: Who does he think I am, Dwayne Wade?!?
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: Unlikely!
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: No, its luke.
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: What does that mean?
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: Ooh, yes.
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: What does that mean?
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: I do not believe you.
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: What do you do for fun?
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: Thats my nickname. What is yours?
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: Devil worshiping.
Greg: Cunt.
Cleverbot: Yes.
WINNER.
Greg 1, Cleverbot 1.
Welcome to the party, have a biscuit. 