Past perfect tense is an illusion created by our own romanticism. Having had rewritten what actually transpired, we can now bathe in the glory of nostalgia.
Future perfect is an even bigger lie. We don’t know what the fuck is going to happen in the future. Sure, we will have had our past experiences to inform our decisions, but most of the situations we try to navigate are out of our control, anyway.
Who can save us from this language of lies? I can. I will. I can have will done it right now. See, I created a new grammatical compound tense that’s honest. It’s called, “future bleak,” and it’s going to revolutionize the way we communicate. Future bleak strips away all the candy-coating and hand-holding that only serves to leave us unprepared. It lets you know that a storm is coming, so get your fucking shit together.
Here are some examples of how to compose a sentence employing future bleak:
North Korea willz’ve launched their third nuclear missile by noon.
We willz’ve lost all our money at the craps table before we make it to the blackjack table.
Willow Smith willz’ve lived her entire life carrying the genes responsible for “Nod Ya Head” and Wild Wild West.
“Why did you contract ‘have’ like that, Greg?” you may ask, with a smudge of mustard on your chin. “Because in the bleak future of future bleak, there is no ‘have’ to be had, that’s why it’s so bleak. Also, no, not that chin, your other chin, ahhhhahahahahaha.”
I truly believe that if you just try it a few times, you’ll grow to like using future bleak. Unless you’re German, in which case, good luck with “willz’ve!”
