It’s only a couple more days until the most testosterone-packed, nut-punching, shittiest movie of all-time arrives in your local theater. A steroid-driven film written and directed by a man driven by steroids (and by the failure of Driven). If you’re not ready for The Expendables, run to your car, drain the acid from your battery, drink it, and get pumped.
Holding the title of “most action-packed movie of all-time” also comes with the “most predictable movie of all-time” belt. Let’s see if we can’t guess a few lines of dialogue that will end up in the film.
“You’re not dreaming. You’re nightmaring!”
“I didn’t bring a can of whup-ass. I brought the whole case!”
“My father raised me to be a killer. I don’t know why he was so surprised when I killed him.”
“When I was six years old, a bunch of the older kids in the neighborhood took me snipe hunting late one night as a joke. They stood around laughing while I spent hours in the woods trying to find an imaginary creature. They laughed up until the moment I came out of the woods holding a snipe in my right hand. I mounted it on my bedroom wall right next to the chupacabra I strangled.”
“Who am I? I’m the guy that makes undertakers rich.”
“I’m not a rape and pillage kind of man. For me, it’s one or the other.”
“We’re the Expendables. You’re just expendable.”
“If I spare your life, then I have to spare the next guy’s and the guy after that. And that third guy? He’s a real prick, so I can’t let him live, which means that you’re definitely about to eat it.”
“You either live dyin’ or die livin’.”