The Art of War, rewritten by a 12-year-old Call of Duty champion

Screaming racial slurs before battle commences shows that you’re ready for war, especially race war.

If your targets don’t look like Indians, you’re using the red dot sight incorrectly.

A full ammo clip is useless on an empty stomach.  Keep a box of Pop-Tarts and a quart of chocolate milk within arm’s reach.

Send your opponent a text message in the heat of battle.  When he pauses to check it, shoot him in the face.

Camping is fun until a bear appears.  Be the bear.

When setting up a time for a clan battle, keep in mind that Naruto airs at 7:27 p.m.

You will never have to search for a nOOb; the nOOb will coming searching for you.  When he does, blow up the C4 you’ve hidden at the bottom of the stairs.

Winning at all costs encompasses picking up cheap wins.  No one gave Neo shit about exposing glitches in the matrix.  If an enemy quits as a result of glitching, that just gives them more time to go fuck themselves.

Once your opponents have been defeated, they will be wondering, “Are we a bunch of faggots?”  Go ahead and verbally confirm this for them.

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55 responses to “The Art of War, rewritten by a 12-year-old Call of Duty champion

  1. YES.
    Nothing can interrupt the motherfucking Naruto

  2. OP is a faggot.

    he is 12 and what is this

  3. First thing I do when entering a game lobby is mute all these kids.

  4. The only worthwhile parable in that is “Be the Bear.”

  5. Sad, so very sad.

  6. I was pretty amused.

    Plus other people must have thought so because i was linked here with stumble.

    Plus its not another popular joke modified which seems to make up 90% of stumbles.

  7. Wow, more than 11,000 views in a day. It’s my second post to trip people, or however stumbleupon works.

    Thanks for stopping in. This was more of a rough draft for a possible future project, so I’m glad people liked it in this state.

    I’m working on a lot of projects right now (mainly video), but I’ll try to be more diligent on posting to this site.

    And, yes, I play COD: Modern Warfare 2. I’m pretty decent. My XBOX Live gamertag is Robert Loblaw. I’ve got about 10 friend slots for anyone that wants to roll.

  8. I thought it was funny. Same as Iain- I got here by stumbling and plan on giving it the thumbs up. Nice. So what he’s 12?- I’m 41..does that matter somehow? Are my words and thoughts held in higher regard just because I’m older? Oh wait..they ARE. But still funny.

  9. That was very amusing. At first I thought “Great, a 12 year old talking about Call of Duty” but don’t get me wrong, this was good!

    Most people giving bad comments on this is because it is some 12 year old kid. I bet this 12 year old has a much better education and life compared to these.

    Great work mate, very funny!

  10. Replace “a box of Pop-tarts and a quart of chocolate milk” with “a bag of Doritos and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew” and this is pretty much straight on…

  11. OPwillneverhavesex

    op is a glitching faggot virgin and will stay so indefinately.

  12. That’s the funniest post today. And soooo true. :))

  13. xbox sucks dick faggots

  14. To OPwillneverhavesex: Are you speaking from experience? U mad bro?

  15. beardsandbellies

    Funny. But also why having kids terrifies me.

  16. Quality. Clever stuff. 12 years old? Hope my kids are as literate at that age.

  17. Some of the commentors are douchebags. srsly.

    At any rate, I liked this post for the most part (I stumbled it, too) but Emily is correct. Doritos and Mountain dew are the personal choices of gamers. I suggest changing it.

  18. “Be the Bear” = WIN

  19. 1. keep food nearby? totally agree.
    2. who uses the red dot?
    3. i will be that “noob” you wil try to blow up with c4 but i will see it blow it up then throw a knife in forehead.
    4. i if i see you cheating/glitching (like queers did with that javelin cheat) you will be reported.

    • Holographic gives too much glare and because there’s not auto aim function on PC it pretty much wins over holographic 😉

  20. “Are we a bunch of faggots?” Go ahead and verbally confirm this for them

    lol

  21. Greg, I had no idea you were twelve. You look at least 16.

  22. This is why I don’t game.

  23. I thought this was great, even though my copy is on PS3 and dont have to deal with all the underage twats.

    Sofa up to the TV, Pint of Vodka & Redbull and the dorritos and I’m set for the night.

    Have trained myself to only play one night a week now. I can only manage with one day during the week with no sleep at my age!

  24. Nice work Greg, I’ve just posted an online gamer mocumentary:

    http://ryandanielwood.wordpress.com/2010/02/20/dan-pasata-probes-the-issue-gamers/

    check it out, it is more up the street of WOW fans, but it speaks for alot of gamers, including COD BODS/

    • Brilliant mockumentary, Ryan. Reminiscent of Garth Merenghi’s Darkplace and The Office.

      “My shame has glued me to the cupboard!”

  25. The bear one was good, all the others… yea your the kid I mute

  26. When I was 12 I was a pool hustler (a real game, not a virtual one) … I won by making all the easy shots. It’s not a cheap win with $5 on the 5 ball and $10 on the 9 (real money, not binary). And yes, it really does give your opponent more time to go fuck themselves. That attitude, however, has not made me popular over the years (now 57). Had I known I would grow this old I would have been more respectful of others. So, my foul-mouthed little friend, grow a pair, and grow up, because you will grow old alone.

  27. So it’s little annoying brats like him that are f*cking up the game… I think he missed a couple of points though:

    “Communicate vocally with your team as much as possible – tell them what you’re eating and curse every time you die”

    “If you havn’t hit puberty it’s okay to download cheats”

    “Calling people fags indicates you are comfortable with your sexuality, mature and definitely not American”

  28. I love the comments people leave on this shit. Everyone is so right, and everyone is such a bitch. yay society.

  29. Nicely put. I like this kid’s style. 12? Really?

  30. Cheers Greg, I really appreciate the comment. Now that you are a fastest growing blog (by stumble or fumble) I would love to get a spot on your sought after blogroll space!

    Also, I have thought up a videoable sketch that would go hand in hand with the theme.

    an amusing segment about how far a frustrated gamer will go destroying his Xbox controller, mid pawn. a tale of a gamer communicating to his opponent via live chat, whilst disembowling his controller.

    Thanks again for the comment,

    Ryan,

  31. lol these people are retarded… i dont think he’s actually 12. Christ people need Dane Cook screaming or they can’t get a joke…

  32. Make me wonder what the future holds for the Y-gen.

  33. “My XBOX Live gamertag is Robert Loblaw.”

    How’s that law blog going?

  34. Sadly, this is what gamers are becoming, idiots that don’t know how to win (or lose) gracefully, and don’t know how to play a game without cheating. I weep for the future of gaming.

  35. Sad, but hilarious. Mostly sad….

  36. Naruto is homosexual. Anime sucks. All of it. It should be banned.

  37. Hey I liked it!

  38. except the naruto part this is probably one of my favorite parts of today.

  39. As we say on Xbox live, sounds like your balls haven’t dropped yet. You’re a fucking racist cliche’, come up with something original you fucking cock. Your a disgrace to to white race faggot.

  40. I’d LOVE to get into this lame discussion, but I have a date…with my wife…

  41. 12! what will he be like at 20, 30 ? Is this where kids are at?

  42. I finally decided to write a comment on your blog. I just wanted to say good job. I really enjoy reading your posts.

  43. It boggles the mind how stupid people are that they don’t get that the OP is NOT 12. He is just writing about the common stereotypes against the most common XBox Live demographic: The 12 year old. 12 year olds on Live are infamously cheap, racist, and overuse the word “faggot” and all other conceivable obscenities.
    Sifting through the comments was actually quite a chore because of the staggering quantity of idiots who just can’t understand simple humor. Thanks to the one guy for clearing it up.
    Damn, though. Those 12 year olds are smarter than half of you.

    Also, “Be the bear” is awesome.

  44. *Facepalm* no … just … just no

  45. The last one is the best.

  46. “A full ammo clip is useless on an empty stomach. Keep a box of Pop-Tarts and a quart of chocolate milk within arm’s reach.” Some of the truest words spoken for gaming. But the chocolate milk has to be from Wawa or it’s worthless.

  47. This, right here, is why I hate children.

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