Here are the monologue jokes written and performed for September’s Talk Show with @gregbrainos, as well as a few additional headlines written for DSI Witness News.
Talk Show Monologue
FOX released a statement this week that Ellen DeGeneres will be taking over Paula Abdul’s role as a judge on American Idol. This isn’t the first time that Ellen has replaced a crazy person. If you’ll remember back to a couple years ago, she used Portia de Rossi to replace Anne Heche.
South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson interrupted the President’s address to the joint session of Congress this week, yelling “YOU LIE!” in the middle of Obama’s speech. This upset a lot of people, but to be fair, Wilson was seated at a weird angle and from his viewpoint, it did look like the President’s pants were on fire.
Southwest Airlines recently announced that you can now elect to pay $10 if you want to board earlier than other passengers. And, for $20, you get a free beer from the pilot‘s personal keg.
Ice cream giant Ben & Jerry’s celebrated the legalization of gay marriage in Vermont by temporarily changing the name of their “Chubby Hubby” flavor to “Hubby Hubby,” which, ironically, will be consumed mainly by 45-year-old single women who are awaiting the legalization of polygamous marriage to felines.
The WWE has started airing promos for their upcoming Pay-Per-View, featuring their star John Cena, saying, “When it comes to a breaking point, I don’t have one.” He’s obviously never tried to watch a John Cena movie.
Video game developer Harmonix released The Beatles: Rock Band this week. The company is expecting record sales. That is, until rival developer Neversoft releases Yoko Ono Guitar Hero.
DSI Witness News headlines
Former Mariott Courtyard employee Charlotte Thomas won an age-discrimination suit against the hotel chain after her boss was told to “fire the old lady.” Mrs. Thomas took the settlement and immediately purchased the entire collection of Murder, She Wrote on VHS.
The SEC released a report on Wednesday, stating that its investigators mishandled probes in the Bernie Madoff case. In another report released on Wednesday, the Butner Federal Correctional Complex stated that all of its probes into Bernie Madoff have been completely handled.
(all jokes written by Greg Brainos)