Why We Cannot Allow Detroit to Win the Stanley Cup

Therapists say that if someone you know is an alcoholic whose life is spiraling out of control, the only way to help them recover is to let them hit rock bottom.  Any hand you may lend before that point may ultimately damn their chances of ever overcoming their affliction.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we cannot allow Detroit to win the Stanley Cup this season.

Sure, it will provide a moment of satisfaction to a city that hasn’t had anything non-hockey-related to be proud of since the film 8 Mile, but it will only be a temporary fix.  After everyone is done celebrating, by flipping over and setting ablaze shitty cars produced by bankrupt manufacturers, Detroit will be right back on the proverbial bottle.

If we want to help Detroit, we have to let them hit rock bottom.  And, let’s be honest, they’re already really close.  It’s the U.S. capital of idiotic management and regrettable decisions (sorry, Vegas!).  The foundation of Detroit is a crumbling auto industry, whose visionaries were so busy with “cars of the future” that they forgot to build cars of the present.  Their professional football team went 0-16, a first for any NFL franchise.  Two counts of obstruction of justice and an assault on a police officer forced the mayor to resign in 2008.  The key to the city is attached to an old hubcap.  No one is interested in the Tigers except for one of the base coaches and the seven people that bought DVD copies of For Love of the Game.  Garmin’s GPS systems are programmed to ask, “Are you sure?” when you type in “Detroit” as your destination.

I’m aware that hockey is all Detroit has right now, and if the Red Wings lose the series to the Penguins, the entire city of Detroit might commit suicide.  But that’s a chance we have to take.

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