Headlines written for The Onion

Here are some headlines I wrote for the Onion News Network (ONN) a few years ago:

Airlines’ Bag Check Fees Forcing Terrorists to Cram All Bombs Into One Carry-On: A report on a new industry practice that is causing minor inconveniences for terrorists trying to do their jobs.

CIA Wire-Tap Unveils
Canada’s Surprise Birthday Party Plans for United States: An ONN anchor interviews the CIA agent that overheard Canada‘s surprise birthday party plans for the U.S. and wants all American citizens to act surprised.

National Park Burns Down After Employing ‘Fight Fire With Fire’ Strategy: An ONN anchor interviews a national park emergency worker who closely followed the advice of old proverbs, causing the park to burn to a crisp.

Report: Where Have All the Great Russian Roulette Players Gone?: A story lamenting the sudden disappearances of our greatest Russian Roulette players and attempting to pinpoint the reason why the sport struggles to survive.

Google Maps’ Orange Man Arrested for Loitering: An ONN anchor interviews the policeman that arrested the Google Maps figure, as well as the defense attorney who argues that the Orange Man’s movements are subject to the will of the map-using public.

Blind Rockefeller Heir Loses Fortune Playing Poker: Pride and ego cause a blind billionaire to lose his fortune in games of high-stakes poker.

Further Advancements in Robotic Technology Yet to Yield Improvements in Robot Dance: A report exploring why none of the huge leaps in robotic technology have transferred over to help improve the archaic robot dance.

Germany Reprimanded After Forgetting to Bring Desserts to U.N. Fat Day:  An ONN anchor interviews several U.N. representatives who are outraged at Germany‘s irresponsibility, claiming that this is the last straw.

OSHA Charges Jason Statham with Numerous Violations: An ONN anchor interviews an OSHA representative who labels Jason Statham as a public hazard, due to his penchant for driving cars through windows, jumping off airplanes, discharging firearms while sliding on pools of oil, etc.

Native Americans Take Back Study Results on Racial Stereotypes: An ONN anchor interviews a Native American sociologist that took back the results of a racial stereotypes study, which led to a string of stereotypical events including violent acts committed by blacks and the refusal of Jews to finance a new study.


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