The Fail-Proof Resume

Are you one of the nation’s ungainfully unemployed?  Or maybe you have a “temporary” full-time job that affords you just enough of a lunch break to scour CareerBuilder behind closed doors, while you wolf down the Banana Strawberry low-fat yogurt that has someone else’s name on it?

It all comes down to the resume, kiddos.  If you have that, you have the job.

But, creating the perfect resume is so hard, right?  If only there were an online template not a lot of people knew about that would guarantee me that perfect position.

Hi.  I’m Greg Brainos, and I’m going to help you build a resume that’s going to piss on all the other resumes in that stack.  There may be some residual splash, but your resume won’t have nearly as much urine on it as the other ones.

First of all, let’s talk delivery of your ticket to the chocolate factory.  All the other lemmings will be e-mailing their boring encapsulations of work and school and that’s advantage number one for you when you have your friend dress in a butler’s uniform and hand-deliver your resume to your future employer.  Make sure he uses a silver platter for the resume.  IT’S SYMBOLIC.  Also, make him promise to shower off all the marijuana smell before he dons the tailcoats.

As for the resume itself, follow this template and you’ll be calling me for lunch next week from the phone in your new corner office (remember to dial “*9” first, since it’s an outbound call).

Name. This is the most important part.  It’s who you are, so don’t skimp on the font.  Think 40 pt. or larger.  If you can import your glittering Myspace name graphic, bring a key to the interview, because you’re a lock.

Address. List an address within 500 feet of the company.  They’ll read, “786 Whitaker Ave.” as “786 Will Never Be Late to Work Ave.”  Idiots.

Funny joke. Everyone loves a funny joke, unless they’re trying to watch The Reader.  So, preface the joke with, “Are you watching The Reader while reading this?  If so, turn it off, because: 1) that’s pretty unprofessional and 2) you won’t enjoy it as much.  Now, a Jew, a German, and Shoeless Joe Jackson walk into a bar…”

Objective. Just write, “I really want to work for your company” 307 times (bold font, obviously).  When they read the first one, they’ll think, “Ok, everyone says that.”  After about 15 more, that changes to, “Wow, this person is serious.”  Once it gets up in the 60’s, it’s more, “Allllright, this is starting to get obnoxious.”  Right around 240 is when they go, “Whoa, this maniac will most certainly kill all of us if we don’t immediately extend an offer.”

How many degrees removed are you from Kevin Bacon? If your interviewer is worth their salt, they’re going to ask this question in the interview, so go ahead and answer it for them on the resume.  This should go without saying, but write out the names of the people that connect you to Kevin Bacon.

Education. Whatever you do, don’t be an idiot and take yourself out of the running by writing, “The School of Hard Knocks.”  Write, “The University of Hard Knocks.”

Picture of a cat. Fact, all resumes are screened by HR women with realtor haircuts.  Fact, these women love cats.  Given those facts, why not slap a picture of a cat on the resume and earn some extra points?  The pictured cat doesn’t have to be wearing pajamas, but that certainly doesn’t hurt.

Professional experience. This is your chance to show off how diverse you are, professionally.  All you have to do is list impressive jobs on which they’ll never be able to follow-up.  Roadie for U2.  Make-up artist/script editor for Gilmore Girls.  Pediatrician for Doctors Without Borders (if they ask how you practiced medicine without a degree, tell them that’s what the “without borders” means).

Condemn racism. At this point, they’ll be thinking, “This person is so unbelievably overqualified and smart, he MUST be racist.”  You need to go ahead and shut that down RIGHT NOW.

Skills. “Making delicious seven-layer taco lasagna for Potluck Fridays.“ “Spot-on impression of the Transformers ‘transforming’ noise.”  Along those lines.  Always include, “Can fix copier jams,” because, chances are, their copier is currently jammed.

Strengths. A common fallacy is to over-think this one.  They want to know the literal limits of your strength: bench-press, reps, and 40-yard-dash.

Weaknesses. This one is not literal.  Just write, “Generous to a fault.”  When asked about this in the interview, just give the interviewer $20 and apologize.

References. Kevin Bacon.  List the telephone numbers of the people that connect you to him.

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5 responses to “The Fail-Proof Resume

  1. Pingback: Unemployed? Learn how to spruce up your resume, right now.

  2. um….this is hilarious/insightful. i’ve shared it everywhere. thanks!

  3. Dear God this is brilliant. Not since I received a resume written in crayon from a producer applying for a position on an instructional TV show have I seen such a creative approach. BTW, we hired the producer.

  4. Goddamn, Greg Brainos. This is great!

  5. Thanks, all. This was a really fun article to write and I’m thrilled so many people enjoyed it. Will be cranking out some more like this in the near future.

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