The evolution of pyramid schemes

We all have our gullible moments.  Actually, that’s not true – it’s really only a small percentage of the population that is truly gullible, but you fell for that statement, didn’t you?  Idiot.

“Gullibles” come in all shapes and sizes.  Small dodecahedrons, usually, but there are also other variations.  Some of us greedier types fell for the Nigerian prince scam, even though we knew Nigeria doesn’t have a prince, because it’s not a real country.  Emotionally-driven gullibles are still unaware that Susan Boyle was lip-synching, something the rest of us knew immediately, as it is impossible for unattractive people to sing well.

Is it even necessary to delve into the “First Man on the Moon” bullshit that fooled everyone?  Keep chanting “U-S-A” all you want Americans, it won’t change the face that JESUS was the first man on the moon.  He used to fly up there to make astronaut ice cream, which he would bring back for his disciples, but Bartholomew was clumsy and would always drop his in the sand and if you don’t believe THAT, then you’re going to HELL and your firstborn will turn into a giant lizard on his seventh birthday!

The most popular scam as of late is the “Pyramid Scheme.”  It’s been around for a while and it can get pretty complicated, so I’ll walk you through a brief history of pyramid schemes.

The first pyramid scheme is invented in 2877 B.C., when the Pharaoh yells at his Head Servant for walking around with a sandal strap undone.  That head servant then yells at the eight Assistant Head Servants for failing to notice, and each of those douchebags run off to yell at their 16 Servants for failing to notice the fail to notice.  Well, the 128 Servants all get pretty pissed off and go outside for a smoke break.  When a well-intentioned passer-by informs the Servants that smoking can cause cancer, they all beat the shit out of him and that guy has to build a pyramid.

In 1284 A.D., a slick marketing campaign informs Austrian townspeople that if they “Pay the Pied Piper,” they will get a 800% return on their investment, plus their own brewery.  Two months later, the Pied Piper is seen riding out of town in a brand new horse-drawn carriage packed with all the townspeople’s kids.

In 1284 A.D., a slick marketing campaign informs Austrian townspeople that, “Hey, sorry about taking your kids and all, I feel really badly about that and if you’ll just give me your bank account number, the Pied Piper wants to put all that money back.”

Adolf Hitler employs a pyramid recruitment strategy for the Hitler Youth in 1941.  They end up with a lot of brilliant scientists and a pope.

In 2009, Bernie Madoff is convicted of defrauding investors out of more than $50 billion through a pyramid scheme known as a “Ponzi.”  He faces up to 150 years in prison, where he will become familiar with yet another variation of the pyramid scheme called, “The Rape Pyramid Scheme.”


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