Dear Mark Cuban,
As a billionaire, you receive a considerable amount of requests for monetary hand-outs, but how many of those people are willing to do something in return for the money?
I AM. And, as such, I have put together a menu of sorts, that lists all the things I’ll do for a bit of cash. You can pick one item, four items, however many you’d like.
$9 – I will open my front door and yell to the world, “Mark Cuban paid me nine dollars to shout this!”
$260 – I will get a Dallas Mavericks tattoo on my right ankle (this will be my first tattoo).
$500 – I will get a Mark Cuban tattoo on my left ankle.
$800 – I will drink only V8 for one week (I fucking HATE V8, Mark Cuban).
$1,000 – I will watch Hotel For Dogs, THREE TIMES IN A ROW.
$5,000 – I will dress up in a Dallas Mavericks cheerleader outfit and walk around Dallas for a day.
$10,000 – I will learn how to spell Dirk Novitskee’s last name.
$15,000 – I will fly to Las Vegas and bet $12,000 on the Dallas Mavericks winning the 2009 NBA Championship.
$50,000 – I will teach Erik Dampier how to catch a basketball pass.
$50,100 – I will teach Erik Dampier how to shoot a basketball shot from 4-6 feet out.
$100,000 – I will legally change my name to “Mark Cuban Isagenius.” Or, you can pick a name. I will never change it.
$500,000 – I will don a referee’s uniform and sit beside you at Dallas Mavericks games. You can smack me in the head and yell at me as much as you want.
$1,000,000 – I will eat my own poop. For serious, Mark Cuban.
I’m ready to do any of these right now. And, for only 15% of Erick Dampier’s 2009 salary, you can buy EVERYTHING on the menu. That has to be a better deal than 5.7 points per game, no?