This is a limited-time offer.

Dear Mark Cuban,

As a billionaire, you receive a considerable amount of requests for monetary hand-outs, but how many of those people are willing to do something in return for the money?

I AM. And, as such, I have put together a menu of sorts, that lists all the things I’ll do for a bit of cash. You can pick one item, four items, however many you’d like.

$9 – I will open my front door and yell to the world, “Mark Cuban paid me nine dollars to shout this!”

$260 – I will get a Dallas Mavericks tattoo on my right ankle (this will be my first tattoo).

$500 – I will get a Mark Cuban tattoo on my left ankle.

$800 – I will drink only V8 for one week (I fucking HATE V8, Mark Cuban).

$1,000 – I will watch Hotel For Dogs, THREE TIMES IN A ROW.

$5,000 – I will dress up in a Dallas Mavericks cheerleader outfit and walk around Dallas for a day.

$10,000 – I will learn how to spell Dirk Novitskee’s last name.

$15,000 – I will fly to Las Vegas and bet $12,000 on the Dallas Mavericks winning the 2009 NBA Championship.

$50,000 – I will teach Erik Dampier how to catch a basketball pass.

$50,100 – I will teach Erik Dampier how to shoot a basketball shot from 4-6 feet out.

$100,000 – I will legally change my name to “Mark Cuban Isagenius.” Or, you can pick a name. I will never change it.

$500,000 – I will don a referee’s uniform and sit beside you at Dallas Mavericks games. You can smack me in the head and yell at me as much as you want.

$1,000,000 – I will eat my own poop. For serious, Mark Cuban.

I’m ready to do any of these right now. And, for only 15% of Erick Dampier’s 2009 salary, you can buy EVERYTHING on the menu. That has to be a better deal than 5.7 points per game, no?

Your fan,

Greg Brainos

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One response to “This is a limited-time offer.

  1. haaaaaaahahahaha this is magical.

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