David Stern as Bible Characters

 

David Stern as King Solomon

Woman 1: King Solomon, this woman is trying to take my baby!

Woman 2: It’s MY baby!

David Stern: Well, I’ll just cut the baby in half and you can each take your share.

Woman 1: What?!? Nooooooooooooo!

Woman 2: Ok.

David Stern: I’m just kidding! I’m moving the baby to Oklahoma City.

 

David Stern as Jacob

Joseph: Yo, dad! Check out my new coat of many colors!

David Stern: You’re in violation of the dress code. You’ll be sitting out tonight’s goat-herding match against Egypt.

 

David Stern as Peter

Sick woman: If I could just get through this crowd and touch Jesus, I’ll be healed.

Jesus: Someone just touched the hem of my garment.

David Stern: TECHNICAL FOUL!!!!

 

David Stern as Pontius Pilate

Angry Crowd: Rawrrarghharngh!!!!

David Stern: I’ll let you pick one of these two to set free. Do you want to free Jesus or Barabbas?

Angry Crowd: Give us Barabbas!

David Stern: Tell you what, we’ll put each of their names in an envelope, and I will randomly choose one of those envelopes which will not at all be frozen.

 

David Stern as Jesus

David Stern: In three days, I will raise my body from the dead.

Thomas: Tim Donaghy has been telling people you’d do it in less than two days.

David Stern: Who does he think I am, Dwayne Wade?!?