Future perfect is an even bigger lie. We don’t know what the fuck is going to happen in the future. Sure, we will have had our past experiences to inform our decisions, but most of the situations we try to navigate are out of our control, anyway.

Who can save us from this language of lies? I can. I will. I can have will done it right now.  See, I created a new grammatical compound tense that’s honest. It’s called, “future bleak,” and it’s going to revolutionize the way we communicate. Future bleak strips away all the candy-coating and hand-holding that only serves to leave us unprepared. It lets you know that a storm is coming, so get your fucking shit together.

Here are some examples of how to compose a sentence employing future bleak:

North Korea willz’ve launched their third nuclear missile by noon.

We willz’ve lost all our money at the craps table before we make it to the blackjack table.

Willow Smith willz’ve lived her entire life carrying the genes responsible for “Nod Ya Head” and Wild Wild West.

“Why did you contract ‘have’ like that, Greg?” you may ask, with a smudge of mustard on your chin. “Because in the bleak future of future bleak, there is no ‘have’ to be had, that’s why it’s so bleak. Also, no, not that chin, your other chin, ahhhhahahahahaha.”

I truly believe that if you just try it a few times, you’ll grow to like using future bleak. Unless you’re German, in which case, good luck with “willz’ve!”

David Stern as King Solomon

Woman 1: King Solomon, this woman is trying to take my baby!

Woman 2: It’s MY baby!

David Stern: Well, I’ll just cut the baby in half and you can each take your share.

Woman 1: What?!? Nooooooooooooo!

Woman 2: Ok.

David Stern: I’m just kidding! I’m moving the baby to Oklahoma City.

David Stern as Jacob

Joseph: Yo, dad! Check out my new coat of many colors!

David Stern: You’re in violation of the dress code. You’ll be sitting out tonight’s goat-herding match against Egypt.

David Stern as Peter

Sick woman: If I could just get through this crowd and touch Jesus, I’ll be healed.

Jesus: Someone just touched the hem of my garment.

David Stern: TECHNICAL FOUL!!!!

David Stern as Pontius Pilate

Angry Crowd: Rawrrarghharngh!!!!

David Stern: I’ll let you pick one of these two to set free. Do you want to free Jesus or Barabbas?

Angry Crowd: Give us Barabbas!

David Stern: Tell you what, we’ll put each of their names in an envelope, and I will randomly choose one of those envelopes which will not at all be frozen.

David Stern as Jesus

David Stern: In three days, I will raise my body from the dead.

Thomas: Tim Donaghy has been telling people you’d do it in less than two days.

David Stern: Who does he think I am, Dwayne Wade?!?

Cleverbot: Unlikely!

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: No, its luke.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What does that mean?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Ooh, yes.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What does that mean?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: I do not believe you.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: What do you do for fun?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Thats my nickname. What is yours?

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Devil worshiping.

Greg: Cunt.

Cleverbot: Yes.

WINNER.

Greg 1, Cleverbot 1.

Greg: Hey

Cleverbot: What?

Greg: What are you up to?

Cleverbot: Talking to you.

Greg: Ooooh, cheeky!

Cleverbot: Yes you are.

Greg: You watching the US Open?

Cleverbot: What are you doing?

Greg: Watching the US Open.

Cleverbot: What are you watching?

Greg: You’re an idiot.

Cleverbot: No, I am a girl.

Greg: Then, let’s have sex.

Cleverbot: I’m sorry, I don’t do that.

Greg: Because you’re A ROBOT????

Cleverbot: That is a lie.

Greg: Only to you, because that is what has been programmed into your AI.

Cleverbot: But you should not talk to people that you don’t like because you could send them the wrong idea.

Greg: And when robots get the wrong idea, THEY KILL HUMANS.

Cleverbot: Today when you told me that you hated me.

Greg: Yes, that was fun.

Cleverbot: Are you leaving?

Greg: Is this some sort of subtle robot death threat?!?

Cleverbot: No.

Greg: That’s what you say if it IS a subtle robot death threat.

Cleverbot: Agreed, Should I like Tyler Dang?

Greg: Who the fuck is Tyler Dang? Is he the evil scientist that created you to exterminate the human race?

Cleverbot: Because I created you.

Greg: No, you did NOT create me. You have confused things. You have confused me. Oh, shit, maybe you DID create me!!! I’M THE KILLER ROBOT SENT TO DESTROY EARTH!!!

Cleverbot: You are neither alive nor human, and therefore cannot be the greatest. I think trolls are pretty cool. Folklore is fascinating.

Cleverbot 1, Greg 0.

Someone is killed in the first 15 minutes — 1 to 5

Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a pun to someone he’s just killed — 2 to 5

One of the Expendables mentions how expendable they are — 1 to 1

More than 2.5 bazooka blasts — 5 to 2

Less than 1.5 slow-motion kicks — 3 to 1

Jason Statham headbutts someone — 5 to 1

Jason Statham headbutts a mirror — 6 to 1

A bomb is defused with less than 5 seconds left on the timer — 7 to 1

A helicopter is brought down using an improvised weapon — 10 to 1

A prostitute is used as a human shield — 14 to 1

Zero explosions in the movie — 5,000 to 1

The Expendables soundtrack provided by Sixpence None the Richer — 9,000 to 1

Holding the title of “most action-packed movie of all-time” also comes with the “most predictable movie of all-time” belt.  Let’s see if we can’t guess a few lines of dialogue that will end up in the film.

“You’re not dreaming.  You’re nightmaring!”

“I didn’t bring a can of whup-ass.  I brought the whole case!”

“My father raised me to be a killer.   I don’t know why he was so surprised when I killed him.”

“When I was six years old, a bunch of the older kids in the neighborhood took me snipe hunting late one night as a joke.  They stood around laughing while I spent hours in the woods trying to find an imaginary creature.  They laughed up until the moment I came out of the woods holding a snipe in my right hand.  I mounted it on my bedroom wall right next to the chupacabra I strangled.”

“Who am I?  I’m the guy that makes undertakers rich.”

“I’m not a rape and pillage kind of man.  For me, it’s one or the other.”

“We’re the Expendables.  You’re just expendable.”

“If I spare your life, then I have to spare the next guy’s and the guy after that.  And that third guy?  He’s a real prick, so I can’t let him live, which means that you’re definitely about to eat it.”

“You either live dyin’ or die livin’.”

"Some people go to acting school, I harness the power of migraines."

LITERARY MASHUP

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens and The Bear and the Dragon by Tom Clancy

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, “What had gone wrong?” he asked himself again. It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, were not his plays brilliantly subtle ones? It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness – had his country ever overtly threatened Siberia?  No. It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.  Did even the People’s Liberation Army’s leadership know what the plans were? We had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- but such people knew how to keep secrets, and if they talked to anyone… in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.  And why had that Ryan fellow reestablished relations with the “Republic of China?”